Saturday, October 11, 2008

Perfect

If I had to choose my least favorite verse in the Bible (and please, may I not be struck down for even mentioning that I have a least favorite verse), Matthew 5:48 would be a strong contender for the top of that list. It's a simple verse really, and short...Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect...but oh, so difficult. In fact, it's impossible. Literally. So why is it in there?

It's obvious that I'm a sinner, and I am confident of God's abundance of grace towards me. I know there are a multitude of verses that speak of His mercy, that describe His role in the process of salvation. It's all about Him--I know that very well.

And yet, I strive to follow and serve Him with all of my heart--not in hopes of being good enough to make it into heaven, but out of the overflowing love and gratitude I have for Him.

There must be a balance in all of that: not for a moment thinking that I can or need to be good enough to make it on my own, yet at the same time not taking advantage of His grace by wilfully sinning. But it seems to me that when I get to Matthew 5:48, that balance is lost. Why are we commanded to be perfect when it's not even in the realm of possibility? Might as well command me to jump off Massanutten Peak and fly. It's just not gonna happen.

At times like these, I wish so much that I knew Biblical Greek because I'm sure that there is a depth to the word translated as "perfect" that escapes us English speakers.

Three things recently have led me to dwell on this verse and this idea of perfection. The first was Jeff's mother's visit and my strong realization that all someone needs to do to see how far from perfect we are as a family is to come and stay with us for two weeks. Actually, you wouldn't even need two weeks; two days would probably do the trick. The portrait of us having it all together might stay in place for two hours, but not much longer than that. It was hard for me to watch my boys act like little sinners (imagine that!) with their grandma here. I didn't like the conflicts that arose between them as they were given new toys and didn't want to share them. I grimaced at the sound of harsh words between them. I asked myself whether there was always this much tension between them, or whether it was exacerbated by the unusual circumstances and lack of normal routine. And lest I seem to be casting stones at them, I'll freely admit that I was a sinner as much as anyone during her visit. I grimaced at the unkind tone of voice that came from my mouth. I asked myself whether I always had this much tension despite my desire to set a peaceful tone for our household. To be honest, I didn't like everything I saw in myself under the extra scrutiny of a fresh set of eyes in our home.

Let me be clear: these accusations were NOT coming from Jeff's mom! In fact, when I would bring up the boys' behavior and try to apologize for how disagreeable it was to endure an argument over who got to play with a certain new toy (when they had both been lavishly blessed with new toys), she would brush it off with a smile and say, "Oh, they're just kids." So I don't mean to imply that she went around with a judgmental attitude--far from it! It's just that I had on my hyper-sensitive glasses and was analyzing everything more than I usually do.

The second aspect of this perfection topic is that I've realized recently how I let myself feel pressure to be perfect and keep my house perfectly because of having my parents so close and having them in our home so often. I can't count how many times I kick myself and tell myself "I should be better!" when they walk through the door and see a counter littered with dirty dishes or a bench piled with books, backpacks, grocery bags, etc. which should have been put away five days ago! It's silly, I know, because just like with Jeff's mom, they are not judgmental at all! All the stress on me in this area is self-imposed which is absolutely ridiculous, but I've been having a difficult time getting rid of this recently. I think as little girls growing up in basically functional families, we look up to our mothers as "perfection" and keep that image in our mind when it's our turn to be a wife, maintain a home, and raise children. I don't know about anyone else, but I look at my mom and think, "I'll never be as good as her. I'll never keep my house as clean and organized. I'll never do the gardening as well. I'll never be as calm and patient as she was. I don't remember her ever raising her voice with us; how did she do that??? I'll never measure up to that." And then I try to console myself by saying, "Well, yes, but she didn't homeschool; and by the time David and I [the youngest in the family] were born, the older two children were in school all day, so that's why she did better than you at all of this." But that's just silly, too, because a voice in the back of my head still nags, "You're not as good as her. And in fact, you're just not good enough at all."

Third, as I've been able to spend a little bit more time reading other blogs this week, I've realized that what used to ENcourage me was actually DIScouraging me. There are some blogs that are "perfect," that show things that are good and lovely and creative and and wholesome and frugal and...well, all the right stuff. But this week they've been driving me nuts because obviously, I can't live up to that. I'm not that good and lovely and certainly not that creative...and oh, by the way, I'm exhausted and can't even seem to finish any little project that I attempt...and have you seen how high in my laundry chute the dirty clothes are piled? (High enough to be seen from the top of the chute, in case you were wondering. You can imagine how thrilled I was when Josiah excitedly exclaimed about actually being able to see the pile when he was throwing his clothes in the top!) I seriously had to consider whether for the sake of my heart, I should stop visiting certain sites for a while because I was falling into the contemptible practice of comparing myself to others...and obviously, coming out on the short end of the stick. One thing is for sure: I definitely have felt more encouragement this week from blogs that are "real," where women share about all aspects of life: the good, the bad, and the laundry piles. :) I happened upon a new blog today--yes. they're. all. ours.--and practically shouted "hallelujah" when I read this: I'm posting these pictures, just so you will know this isn't going to be one of those "picture perfect" blogs, with only idealistic pictures of the "perfect house" and the "perfect children" having the "perfect homeschool day!" Instead, I hope to give you a realistic glimpse into the daily life of a family of twelve!! With all of our ups and downs . . . Thank you! That was what I needed to read.

I feel like I need to qualify my above statements by saying that, of course, every woman has a right to form her blog into whatever she wants it to be; and if someone desires to have a blog which only highlights the good, that's perfectly (typed with a wry grin) all right! Really! That's even scriptural, right? After all, Philippians 4:8 says, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." So I'm not condemning those who have chosen to make their blogs a perpetually positive place. If I've offended anyone through this, please let me know so I can personally apologize to you...because really, my intention is not to challenge anyone to change the way they blog...and it's certainly not to be hurtful.

I guess I write all of this to just be real myself...to lay open my heart which has been feeling the burden of imperfection extra heavily recently. I even hesitate to post this, but I guess I will. Here I go..."publish post"...click...

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

I understand the sentiment. Perfectionism, for me, generally involves discontentment. If only I could... If only we were... If only... If only... If only...

Since most of the blogs I read are of what I term "mommy bloggers" I find that I have to occasionally step back and let God remind me that His plan for me as a single woman is good--just different from the married with children and homeschooling that I'm reading about.

Mamajil said...

Davene,

I think we all feel like this from time to time! As I read your blog I thought of Philippians 4:6-8

6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. 9 Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

I think its in times like this that the little voice we are hearing the loudest is that of our enemy!

You can't compare yourself to any one else because you have your own destiny to fulfill in Christ.

When we take our eyes off of Jesus and look at what others are doing that is when we stumble and feel inadequate.

You are fulfilling a different call than your mother or any Jane Doe blogger out there...so you can't compare yourself.

You just have to do what the scripture says
1. don't worry
2.pray about everything, 8 tells us 3. fix our thoughts on what is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, and admirable....
4. Keep putting into practice all that you have learned from Him

then you will have peace...

I will be praying that you will have a good week...sorry for such a long comment :)

You're a neat person and you have a neat family your blog inspires me and encourages me! Have a restful and blessed Sunday!!

Unknown said...

Davene, I understand everything you're saying, and I applaud the fact that you're so brave (even though you might not realise this) and use your blog to bare your soul to us all (and to yourself). You write so beautifully and truthfully about real life. I have to admit that I sometimes read my blog and think: 'gosh, those photos look good, but wasn't that the day Boo had a big tantrum and I felt ill and everything was a mess?'. But I'm not brave enough to remind myself of those things, and I decided just to make a happy place because real life can be so daunting (and I began blogging just after my sister died, to make myself notice the good bits, which were starting to fade for me at the time.). But I love your blog because it celebrates the ups and the downs.

Davene said...

Thanks, everyone, for sharing words of comfort and understanding. :)

Morning, I love your blog, too! You do such an excellent job with it. And to tell you the truth, it wasn't driving me crazy this week. :)

Anonymous said...

I married you because you are perfect! Even if you don't realize it!

Misty said...

I think I could have written that... Thanks so much for sharing. It really is encouraging to know that someone struggles with the same things that you do (as I sit and stare at a HUGE pie of clean laundry hat needs to be folded)

Sally said...

Oh, Davene! I thought I was the only one who was like that--only instead of blogging about it, I cry for an hour, babbling and blurbbling to Andrew as he patiently listens (and probably quietly hopes I will be over it in the morning). I get all nervous about my children's behavior when others are around, especially my parents or Andrew's parents. And, I have at least some idea of what type of stress it can be when they are in your house for a few weeks. That was me when I came home from the hospital in July. I couldn't do a thing, so family was here all day long every day.

About never being as good as your mom, I think you have a very skewed picture of your mom (not that she isn't a wonderful lady and I'm sure did a great job--just look at her children for proof!). I get this type of story from some others and there is one thing they all have in common--they come from small families and were the youngest, or else don't have any younger siblings. They just were not around to see the state of things when the baby cried all night and there were two in diapers and the couch was full of laundry and the bathroom hadn't been cleaned for 3 weeks. I have the privilege of coming from a large family and being among the older ones. My mom was wonder woman and I have no idea how she accomplished all she did. I don't even try to do all the things she did. However, the normal was a couch full of laundry to be folded, and there were plenty of times when all the dishes in the house were dirty, and if someone wanted to eat off a clean plate and with clean utensils, they had to wash one up first. So, the point is, you're great (as great as any redeemed sinner), you're doing great, and anyone who breathes terrestrial air and has children goes through the same things (unless they have servants, I guess). And, one more thing, we had loads of fun growing up, even when the house was filthy dirty, and even if the laundry was piled high. In other words, your children will remember having fun regardless, so don't let the little stuff keep you from having fun with your children. That is more important--to enjoy them!

Heh, heh, drop by my house any day, and you'll see all the little stuff I let go!

Sally said...

I was brushing my teeth and pondering the "be perfect" verse you quoted. I'm sure you already know this, but just as a way of reminder, we are perfect when we are in Christ! Isn't that exciting! Of course we, in our own flesh and strength, will never be perfect, but when we stand before God in Christ, we are perfect because He is perfect.


Col. 3:3-4 "For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory."

God requires perfection, and He has provided Christ so we can become perfect.

Rom. 8:1-2 "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."

Now, because I need to go to bed, and because this isn't supposed to be a complete Bible lesson, I'll leave with this verse.

Col 3:15 "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts...."

michelle said...

hey davene ~ thanks for you vulnerability. i looked up that verse, and here's a link w/ some info for you, hope it helps a bit. http://bibletools.org/index.cfm/fuseaction/Bible.show/sVerseID/23283/eVerseID/23283

i have another verse for you: prov. 14:4 Where no oxen [are], the crib [is] clean: but much increase [is] by the strength of the ox. comparing ox to people is funny but i think the principal transfers. a friend of mine has 7 kids - she home schools half of them! - and she uses that verse to remind herself that if her house was always clean then it would prob. be empty and unproductive. :) i mean, i get annoyed w/ the clutter in our house sometimes and there's only 2 of us - so i just remind myself that we live here and sometimes that is just a "by-product" of life.

and yes, to respond to your comments when you posted the "tag" the other day....i do laugh when you talk about your "secret" relationship w/ jeff in israel...i mean really, who did you guys think you were kidding? ;) miss you guys!!!

New Mom said...

I appreciate the honesty of your post. I think all of us as mothers, wives, women have felt that way. Like you said, comparing yourself to others is contemptable! We can never really grasp the other person's reality and seem to only recognize the wonderful times in their lives. One of the girls I am most envious of is a friend that has a wonderful attitude and disposition. She has problems-- financial, marital, etc. but she's just always so darned happy go lucky and cheerful-- and not in a contrived way either!

It's funny, because one of my friends who reads your blog said to me once, "I read Davene's blog and she has it so together. Her kids are so well behaved..." and basically went on to say that you were wonderful at motherhood and she wondered why she couldn't be more like you! I told her that you had your days too, to go back and read further about your "piranha time," isn't that what you called it? That time around dinner/bedtime when things got a little hectic with the boys. I reminder her that we all have our struggles and our faults, thank goodness our God is merciful!

You know what else is funny, I often think that my blog is so riddled with my problems that folks are going to stop reading it! I didn't want to post about the baby situation because I felt that I was always posting about my "issues," thus being a "Negative Nancy," and rarely writing any pretty, flowery, posts that would inspire my readers! I guess a mix of both is a good thing.

Margie said...

Oh Davene, if it makes you feel any better, I've posted several times and thought, "What will (perfect) Davene think?" When you write about the laundry, about raising your voice (admittedly, it happens around here), and about exhaustion, I feel a little less isolated in this mothering job of endless responsibility and service. I say this as an encouragement, since all of us have so many balls in the air at one time. And, based on what I'm reading about your boys, your marriage, and your creativity as a mother, you are doing a GREAT job, one that's worthy of emulation. What will your boys say when they look back? "My mother? She was PERFECT." I'm sure of it.

pyrotechny said...

You are a great mom! You are right to re-evaluate your interpretations of others you "watch". I heard about a teaching on pride, which struck me on so many levels. Sometimes I don't even realize that it is pride working in me. But this I know is true. We must allow our children the room to sin. How else can they experience the grace of God? And, really, can we expect them to be perfect? Check out my recent post on "perfection". Love you!

Crystal said...

Davene, as always, you're so kind and gentle. You wrote an eloquent post beautifully and graecefully describing what I was trying to say in a post a couple of months ago. ("With a Spoon")

Comparing ourselves is such an easy trap and apparently I willingly jump into it often. Thank you for being so real. Personally, I like real blogs. :-)