Perfect

If I had to choose my least favorite verse in the Bible (and please, may I not be struck down for even mentioning that I have a least favorite verse), Matthew 5:48 would be a strong contender for the top of that list. It's a simple verse really, and short...Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect...but oh, so difficult. In fact, it's impossible. Literally. So why is it in there?

It's obvious that I'm a sinner, and I am confident of God's abundance of grace towards me. I know there are a multitude of verses that speak of His mercy, that describe His role in the process of salvation. It's all about Him--I know that very well.

And yet, I strive to follow and serve Him with all of my heart--not in hopes of being good enough to make it into heaven, but out of the overflowing love and gratitude I have for Him.

There must be a balance in all of that: not for a moment thinking that I can or need to be good enough to make it on my own, yet at the same time not taking advantage of His grace by wilfully sinning. But it seems to me that when I get to Matthew 5:48, that balance is lost. Why are we commanded to be perfect when it's not even in the realm of possibility? Might as well command me to jump off Massanutten Peak and fly. It's just not gonna happen.

At times like these, I wish so much that I knew Biblical Greek because I'm sure that there is a depth to the word translated as "perfect" that escapes us English speakers.

Three things recently have led me to dwell on this verse and this idea of perfection. The first was Jeff's mother's visit and my strong realization that all someone needs to do to see how far from perfect we are as a family is to come and stay with us for two weeks. Actually, you wouldn't even need two weeks; two days would probably do the trick. The portrait of us having it all together might stay in place for two hours, but not much longer than that. It was hard for me to watch my boys act like little sinners (imagine that!) with their grandma here. I didn't like the conflicts that arose between them as they were given new toys and didn't want to share them. I grimaced at the sound of harsh words between them. I asked myself whether there was always this much tension between them, or whether it was exacerbated by the unusual circumstances and lack of normal routine. And lest I seem to be casting stones at them, I'll freely admit that I was a sinner as much as anyone during her visit. I grimaced at the unkind tone of voice that came from my mouth. I asked myself whether I always had this much tension despite my desire to set a peaceful tone for our household. To be honest, I didn't like everything I saw in myself under the extra scrutiny of a fresh set of eyes in our home.

Let me be clear: these accusations were NOT coming from Jeff's mom! In fact, when I would bring up the boys' behavior and try to apologize for how disagreeable it was to endure an argument over who got to play with a certain new toy (when they had both been lavishly blessed with new toys), she would brush it off with a smile and say, "Oh, they're just kids." So I don't mean to imply that she went around with a judgmental attitude--far from it! It's just that I had on my hyper-sensitive glasses and was analyzing everything more than I usually do.

The second aspect of this perfection topic is that I've realized recently how I let myself feel pressure to be perfect and keep my house perfectly because of having my parents so close and having them in our home so often. I can't count how many times I kick myself and tell myself "I should be better!" when they walk through the door and see a counter littered with dirty dishes or a bench piled with books, backpacks, grocery bags, etc. which should have been put away five days ago! It's silly, I know, because just like with Jeff's mom, they are not judgmental at all! All the stress on me in this area is self-imposed which is absolutely ridiculous, but I've been having a difficult time getting rid of this recently. I think as little girls growing up in basically functional families, we look up to our mothers as "perfection" and keep that image in our mind when it's our turn to be a wife, maintain a home, and raise children. I don't know about anyone else, but I look at my mom and think, "I'll never be as good as her. I'll never keep my house as clean and organized. I'll never do the gardening as well. I'll never be as calm and patient as she was. I don't remember her ever raising her voice with us; how did she do that??? I'll never measure up to that." And then I try to console myself by saying, "Well, yes, but she didn't homeschool; and by the time David and I [the youngest in the family] were born, the older two children were in school all day, so that's why she did better than you at all of this." But that's just silly, too, because a voice in the back of my head still nags, "You're not as good as her. And in fact, you're just not good enough at all."

Third, as I've been able to spend a little bit more time reading other blogs this week, I've realized that what used to ENcourage me was actually DIScouraging me. There are some blogs that are "perfect," that show things that are good and lovely and creative and and wholesome and frugal and...well, all the right stuff. But this week they've been driving me nuts because obviously, I can't live up to that. I'm not that good and lovely and certainly not that creative...and oh, by the way, I'm exhausted and can't even seem to finish any little project that I attempt...and have you seen how high in my laundry chute the dirty clothes are piled? (High enough to be seen from the top of the chute, in case you were wondering. You can imagine how thrilled I was when Josiah excitedly exclaimed about actually being able to see the pile when he was throwing his clothes in the top!) I seriously had to consider whether for the sake of my heart, I should stop visiting certain sites for a while because I was falling into the contemptible practice of comparing myself to others...and obviously, coming out on the short end of the stick. One thing is for sure: I definitely have felt more encouragement this week from blogs that are "real," where women share about all aspects of life: the good, the bad, and the laundry piles. :) I happened upon a new blog today--yes. they're. all. ours.--and practically shouted "hallelujah" when I read this: I'm posting these pictures, just so you will know this isn't going to be one of those "picture perfect" blogs, with only idealistic pictures of the "perfect house" and the "perfect children" having the "perfect homeschool day!" Instead, I hope to give you a realistic glimpse into the daily life of a family of twelve!! With all of our ups and downs . . . Thank you! That was what I needed to read.

I feel like I need to qualify my above statements by saying that, of course, every woman has a right to form her blog into whatever she wants it to be; and if someone desires to have a blog which only highlights the good, that's perfectly (typed with a wry grin) all right! Really! That's even scriptural, right? After all, Philippians 4:8 says, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." So I'm not condemning those who have chosen to make their blogs a perpetually positive place. If I've offended anyone through this, please let me know so I can personally apologize to you...because really, my intention is not to challenge anyone to change the way they blog...and it's certainly not to be hurtful.

I guess I write all of this to just be real myself...to lay open my heart which has been feeling the burden of imperfection extra heavily recently. I even hesitate to post this, but I guess I will. Here I go..."publish post"...click...