AT LAST!

We are OVERJOYED at the birth of Tobin Ezra Fisher!!!

Birthday: January 12
Time: 6:37 p.m.
Weight: 8 lbs. 14 oz.
Length: 19 3/4 inches

There is so much more to say...so many more pictures to share. But for tonight, I'm just going to enjoy this little miracle! Hopefully, the birth story will follow tomorrow... :)

Progress

Well, something is happening...

About 1:30 p.m. this afternoon, my water broke. That has never happened to me before, since with my other pregnancies, my water didn't break until the doctor or midwife broke it right before I started pushing.

I talked with the midwife on call (Barbara), and she said I can wait at home for a few hours to see if the contractions increase...which is exactly what I wanted to hear since I don't like spending hours and hours in the hospital before birth. So it's still technically a waiting game, but with the end so much closer!

To say my adrenaline is running high is quite the understatement!!!

I'm off to take a shower...one of those pre-going-to-the-hospital rituals that I always seem to follow. :)

Week 39

I wasn't sure there would even be a "week 39" post...but here we are at 39 weeks, 1 day, and no birth yet. I guess my three "prophetesses" who thought January 10 was the day were wrong! :)

I had an appointment with the midwife (Ann) today which revealed that I am making slow but steady progress. I'm now officially at "almost 4" centimeters dilated! Again (like the midwife last week), her prediction was that I could deliver today--or next week. That doesn't exactly narrow it down much! She did say that this baby is acting like a very typical 3rd baby, with lots and lots of contractions but only slow progress at the beginning...but when things really kick into high gear, she thinks it will go fairly quickly.

I was glad to meet with this midwife since I hadn't seen her since early in this pregnancy. She is really nice, and I have come to the conclusion that I would be perfectly content with any of the midwives when the big day comes. In fact, at this point, if I had to choose, I don't even know who I would pick since I'm so satisfied with all of them. That's a good situation in which to find myself, and I'm very grateful!

I find this "end of pregnancy" phase so very different from the others I've experienced, since with both of the others, contractions led, within a fairly short amount of time, to a birth! This dragging-out process though is quite different mentally and emotionally, I'm discovering. Physically, I continue to feel much better than last week; and besides the occasional contraction (of which I've had too many to count), I actually feel fairly good. But mentally, I just feel "BLAH." I don't have a whole lot of energy, so even small tasks don't seem to entice me. And, most of all, I feel stuck in this limbo stage.

For example, we haven't officially started "doing school" again since our Christmas break began. Of course, we're reading lots of books; and I know Josiah is learning from a variety of settings so it's not really a big deal. But I hardly know what to do: should I plan to start up with our "regular" lessons again, knowing that literally tomorrow the baby might be born, therefore disrupting everything? Or should I continue to wait?

And the other limbo state that's bothering me is with some discipline issues with our boys. I know that right before a huge event in the life of a family is not exactly the ideal time to change the course of the ship, so to speak. I'm sure that Josiah and David pick up on the anticipation and tension that I'm feeling, and I'm also sure that they are experiencing thoughts/feelings/anxieties of which I am unaware and which they are incapable of expressing. So I should probably extend grace to them, right? However, some really ugly attitudes have been cropping up their hideous heads in our home lately; and it's very concerning to me. But again, is this the right time to "crack down" (for lack of a better word) on this? Obviously, I'm addressing the situation to some extent; but I don't know how much of a course correction to make. Specifically, if we make some new guidelines with certain consequences attached, I'm not sure how capable of following up I will be, several days after giving birth. So if I can't follow up, maybe it's better to not even lay out the rule at this point? Any thoughts on this???

The Current Belly Situation

Jeff wanted to take a few more pictures of my (huge, gigantic, enormous) belly before the baby is born...so at 38 weeks, 5 days, this is what I looked like. Then last night, I decided I just couldn't sleep until Jeff had measured my belly, so he did that for me. The result: 45 inches. Wow. I'm simply amazed. This morning I looked in the pregnancy journal I kept during Josiah's pregnancy to see what I measured at the end of that pregnancy. It was 42 inches. No wonder my maternity clothes don't fit anymore. Those 3 inches definitely make a big difference!

Last night was another night of sleeping for a while, then awakening with contractions, getting excited thinking that this might be the day, having a snack (in the middle of the night, my appetite seems as large as my belly), then going back to bed and sleeping til morning, only to awaken and realize the contractions have stopped and it's time to shift to waiting mode again. This is beginning to feel very familiar...

Events of the Day

~ No birth...no indication of impending birth


~ The good news: David knows how to kiss now!!! I have wondered and wondered when he would start doing that; and this morning, while Josiah and I were playing the game Guess Who?, I realized that David had just kissed one of the cards. So I asked him to give me a kiss, and he did--just like that. Just as if he's always been doing it. :)


~ The bad news: our rabbit died. I have no idea why, since she didn't show any of the signs of the infection that killed off our other rabbits. And she certainly didn't freeze to death, since we've been having temperatures in the upper 60s this week. Who knows? Right now, she is lying in state in her enclosure, waiting for Jeff to bury her. At times like this, I sure am glad I'm not a single parent; it's nice to be able to tell the boys, "We'll let Daddy take care of that when he gets home." :) -- Another thought about pets dying: my mother and I were talking this afternoon about how it's actually been a good thing for our boys to learn about death through animals dying; it seems to ease them into the concept of death much more gracefully than if a dearly loved person in their life died suddenly and was therefore their first exposure to death.


~ I had a coupon for baby food so during our trip to the store today, I started stocking up--mindful of the fact that I won't actually be using any of it for about 5 or 6 more months--but still happy to save money. :) It was strange to be in the baby food aisle again. Are we really about to meet a real baby who will grow up and sit in a highchair and be fed rice cereal and delight in banging his spoon on the tray???


~ Josiah has an appointment with the dentist tomorrow, and he has been looking forward to it with great anticipation ever since I scheduled it. He LOVES going to the dentist--which says less about how remarkable Josiah is than it does about how remarkable this dentist and his staff are. We are blessed to be able to go to Dr. Greene. Anyway, Josiah has been a little concerned that if our baby is born tomorrow, he'll miss his appointment. He knows that when Mommy and Daddy and Grandma go to the hospital, if it's during the night, Grandpa will come and stay with him and David...and if it's during the day, our next-door neighbor Wilma (Old Order Mennonite) will take care of him and David. So today, Josiah's comment was, "Do you think Wilma knows where Dr. Greene's office is? Because I wouldn't mind going to my appointment in a horse and buggy!" :) For those of you unfamiliar with our town and our Dr. Greene, his office is very close to our mall, in a very developed part of town--NOT a place where I have ever seen a horse and buggy. (For those of you who are wondering how the Old Order Mennonites ever get to that part of town, they ride--in a car--with someone else.) So the image of Wilma pulling up in front of Dr. Greene's office in a horse and buggy made me smile today...and showed me again how eager my son is to go see the dentist!


~ One of Josiah and David's recent imaginative activities has been bringing their pillows down from upstairs, putting them under the bench in the kitchen, and pretending to sleep there. (Except David can't pronounce the "sl" sound yet, so he says "weep" there. He goes around the house and says things like, "I weep here," and "I don't like weepy time." Trust me, kiddo, I don't like weepy time either, but with these pregnancy hormones, I've had more of it in the last nine months than I would have liked!) Anyway, this spot under the bench seems to be some sort of base camp from which my mighty little hunters venture to hunt--what else?--dinosaurs!

All's Quiet on the Baby Front

No birth...no labor...not even any significant contractions. In fact, I've felt better today than I've felt for weeks. If things could continue like this, I wouldn't mind being pregnant until my due date or beyond! :)

However, tomorrow is Josiah's first choir class of the spring semester, and I distinctly remember when we had our last class of the fall semester back in November and I thought to myself, "I sure hope I'm not still pregnant when I see these people again!" Looks like that hope will be dashed... :)

But other than that, life is really good again. Last week (Sunday, Dec. 30 to Sunday, Jan. 6) was so full of discomfort for me that I was really hitting the "let's just get this baby out" stage. Today I felt content to still be pregnant, grateful for the remaining time of carrying this little one inside me, and energetic enough to tackle some organizing projects in the garage. It was great fun!

Today, randomly, the third person (my next-door neighbor Wilma) predicted January 10 as the baby's birthday. She joins my sister Donna and my sister-in-law Kim in feeling like that day is the one. I thought maybe I should start a poll on this blog and see who could come the closest to guessing the date of birth and the baby's weight...but then I couldn't think of any good prize to send to the winners...and what good is a contest without a prize? :)

False Alarm

After experiencing "significant abdominal distress" (that felt like a monster contraction that would not let go for 3 and 1/2 hours) yesterday afternoon and evening, and then waking up at 1:50 a.m. with sporadic contractions, I had convinced myself that today was the day, and that I would surely be on my way to the hospital at some point today...and be able to hold my new son in my arms by nightfall, at least. Ha! My body obviously had other ideas, and things settled down about 3:30 a.m. You think my 3:00 a.m. snack of milk and Oreos made the contractions stop??? :) Or maybe it was my dad's prayers, since he was really tired last evening and wanted to enjoy a good night's sleep before the big occasion. "The prayers of a righteous man are powerful and effective..." :)

Yesterday afternoon I was feeling so poorly that I had to call for back-up. Fortunately, my back-up lives right down the hill; and my mother soon arrived with a smile on her face, ready to make our soup for dinner, unload the dishwasher, set the table, fold my laundry, etc. What a blessing!

Today I'm pretending that everything is normal, so in a little while, we'll be off to our church service...and I'll see whether that brings on contractions! :)

Week 38

The theme of this week is--no surprises here!--ANTICIPATION! (Secondary theme would be, "I have no clothes that fit anymore." Every day, the big question is what in the world can I wear?)

I've been thinking the past few days about what exactly I've been thinking about the most recently; which part of the whole birth experience is getting the majority of my brain power as I ponder the unknown? This is the conclusion I've come to:

1. the date -- WHEN the birth will occur is definitely what I wonder about the most
2. the process -- thoughts of the date are followed fairly closely in my mind by thoughts of how exactly the birth will go (how the contractions will feel at the beginning, when will it be time to go to the hospital, whether the whole process of labor and delivery will be faster or slower than my other experiences, whether pushing will go better this time, how the hospital experience will be, which midwife will be on duty, etc.)
3. the baby himself -- I've got to admit that almost all of my thoughts have been preoccupied with the first two items on this list...guess I forgot that at the end of all of this, a new baby joins our family!...oh, you know I'm just kidding; but seriously, the thoughts of what the baby will look like, how much he'll weigh, whether he'll have blue eyes, whether he'll cry a lot, are just not consuming me this time around like they did during my first pregnancy...I know that his appearance will be heavenly to us (and not really that great to anyone else, if they're honest, since newborns are kind of funny-looking creatures!)...and I know that whether he has blue eyes or another color, it won't make a bit of difference as far as how much we love him...with this set of unknowns, I feel completely content to wait and see

Today, though, my urge has been to simply hold my baby in my arms and sit in a rocking chair and cuddle and love him to pieces! I can hardly wait...

As we continue to try to guess when the birth will occur, we analyze and over-analyze each possible clue. Today, for example, my parents were attending a funeral in Pennsylvania for my great-uncle who died on December 31. We did think that the irony of them being out of state might be too much for this little guy, and he might decide to make his grand entrance at precisely the time we didn't want him to come! :)

I have to be really careful with my behavior these days because Jeff interprets everything in light of possible nesting before labor. On Wednesday, for example, I was putting away Christmas decorations and cleaning; and as he saw me being obsessive that the Christmas tree must be de-decorated that night and taken outside, then crawling around on the floor picking up silver icicles, and pushing the couch around as I rearranged all the furniture, I think he was convinced that this was the big energy surge before labor, and surely the baby would be born that night or the next day. :) But it didn't happen... It was that night, however, that I said to Jeff, "Is it really OK if the baby is born now???" There was so much more stuff I wanted to accomplish, and he really had to reassure me that if the baby decided to come, the rest of the family would be quite fine, despite the unfinished projects I had going. :)

I have definitely had more energetic moments recently, but I attribute them to a few things:
1. my nature in general loves to organize stuff
2. a new year always puts me in the mood to accomplish household projects
3. and, of course, there is always nesting to blame!

It's funny to realize that today I'm 38 weeks, 2 days...and this was the day in my pregnancy with David that he was born! I guess our 3rd son is already determined to be his own person and not follow in his big brother's footsteps exactly. :)

And speaking of David, he's been really cute recently as he comes up to my tummy, holds his mouth right against it, and (loudly) says, "Baby _____, you play with my dinosaurs???" Despite our attempts to prepare him for what's coming, I'm not sure he's ready for the little tiny baby that he's going to get--a baby who can't sit or talk or play or anything!!!

Notes from my appointment on Wednesday with the midwife:
~ the big news: I'm dilated to 2+ centimeters...which is exciting, but really means very little, since women in this condition can actually go several more weeks before delivery
~ blood pressure was good: 126 over 74...since this had been somewhat of a concern to me earlier in this pregnancy, I am always relieved when it's behaving itself at each check!
~ total weight gain so far is 32 and 1/2 pounds...with Josiah, I gained 32 pounds total, so it feels good to only be slightly above that...although if this baby is not born soon, I know that number will go higher!
~ next appointment is Thursday, the 10th...which is also the date that both my sister and Jeff's sister have predicted for the baby's birth...although they both happened to predict long ago that I was having a girl, so I don't think they're reliable prophets! :)

"Oh! That Will Be Joyful!"

This New Year's Day, for me, was crowned at the end with a special event: a Harmonia Sacra singing held at our church building, but attended by hundreds of people from various congregations. (I've previously written here about a singing like this.) The building was packed, the harmony was exquisite, the variety of ages and "degrees of Mennoniteness" was impressive--from "regular" people like us to horse-and-buggy Mennonites and lots of in-between ones. :)

I knew that this New Year's Day singing was a tradition in "these here parts," but I had no idea that it is as longstanding as it really is. 106 years. That's a long time for people to be gathering to sing these songs, many of which are "out-of-date" and not commonly sung in congregations anymore. But, wow, what a glorious evening. I loved it--and would not have wanted it to end, except for the fact that the hard wooden bench I was sitting on was contributing to that severe left leg/hip/abdomen pain I've been having the past few days. I could hardly walk out to the car when the singing was over...but my spirit was soaring!

The song that we ended with is called, appropriately enough, "Parting Hymn"; and it includes these lines:
Oh! That will be joyful,
To meet to part no more...
On Canaan's happy shore,
And sing the everlasting song
With those who've gone before.

That got me thinking about heaven...and preparing for it...and saying goodbye to loved ones here...and longing for the bliss that we'll experience there. And that reminded me of some thoughts I had towards the end of my pregnancy with David. I think I've either mentioned this already somewhere in this blog, or someone else has made a comment along these lines...as this blog increases in length, I find myself unable to remember exactly what I've written, so I may begin to repeat myself a lot! :) Anyway, for me at this stage of life, this is significant enough that I want to write about it again...

The ninth month of pregnancy is tough. Still a blessed time, it nevertheless has its difficulties; and I think that's intentional in God's plan. After all, if we women were still coasting along easily after 40 weeks of pregnancy, we might find ourselves unhappy at the prospect of labor and delivery. As it is, the aches and pains we endure as we approach the end (as well as the prospect of meeting our beloved new baby, of course!) make us look forward longingly to the time when our bodies will be delivered of this precious alien who has taken possession of us! Does that make sense? The difficulty preceding the transition and the joy that we anticipate after the transition makes the actual transition itself much less intimidating.

In the same way, I'm becoming increasingly convinced that one of the purposes of the suffering that most people endure as they age is to help us look longingly toward heaven--and not fear the transition that will get us there (death). From my experience watching my grandparents and other relatives and friends age...and especially now from seeing closely my parents' aging process...I realize more and more that, as so many people say, "it's no fun to get old." Now, it's important for me to emphasize something, and that is that my parents and the other older relatives I'm thinking of are NOT complainers! But, with my own eyes, I see my parents deal with aching backs, sore knees, lack of energy, etc., and I know that it's not fun to feel like their bodies are betraying them. "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak"...and that's a hard situation to deal with.

However, just as the difficulties of the ninth month of pregnancy turn our thoughts towards the joy of the next phase, including the hard work of labor, I believe the difficulties of aging, if properly considered, can do the same thing. Turning our hearts towards our true home, heaven. Easing the fear of death. Making it seem worthwhile to go through that dark door (and, of course, it is unutterably worthwhile!). Helping us focus, not on the unknown shadows, but the glory of the unknown light. Increasing the desire deep within us to see our God face to face. Making us long for that day to come.

Writing this so confidently makes me realize my need for humility (after all, I feel like I have untold YEARS before I approach death's door, so of course, it's easy to take death lightly)...and it brings to mind a thought-provoking song by Sara Groves, called What Do I Know. Here are the lyrics...

I have a friend who just turned eighty-eight,
And she just shared with me that she's afraid of dying.
I sit here years from her experience
And try to bring her comfort.
I try to bring her comfort.
But what do I know?
What do I know?

She grew up singing about the glory land,
And she would testify how Jesus changed her life.
It was easy to have faith when she was thirty-four,
But now her friends are dying,
And death is at her door.
Oh, and what do I know?
Really, what do I know?

I don't know that there are harps in heaven,
Or the process for earning your wings.
I don't know of bright lights at the ends of tunnels,
Or any of those things.

She lost her husband after sixty years,
And as he slipped away she still had things to say.
Death can be so inconvenient.
You try to live and love.
It comes and interrupts.
And what do I know?
What do I know?

But I know to be absent from this body is to be present with the Lord,
And from what I know of him, that must be pretty good.
Oh, I know to be absent from this body is to be present with the Lord,
And from what I know of him, that must be very good.

I hope and pray that, no matter when my time to die comes, whether I see it approaching or it snatches me unaware, I will walk forward confidently, feeling the hand of Jesus holding mine, and having the thought in my heart, "Oh! This IS joyful!!!"

Week 37

No baby yet...

I thought I'd say that right off the bat to take care of those thoughts! (Jeff said today when I called him at work, "I get nervous every time you call!" Maybe the readers of this blog get "nervous" when they check it...so I'll try to cut the suspense. Actually, we're living in constant suspense these days, with absolutely no clue about when this baby will be born. But more about that--and our guesses--later...)

In my week 37 picture, I wanted some company, so I got (from left to right) my mother, my sister-in-law Lori, and Lori's mother to pose with me while they were all here this past weekend. As I look at this picture, I can't help but think about how huge I look--and the ironic thing is that I chose that particular shirt for its "slimming effect." The only thing that actually looks slim in the picture is...well...all the other women. Oh, well, it's good to be able to laugh at myself these days--and good to realize that a 37-week pregnant woman is supposed to look like an elephant, right? :)

Some random notes from this week of pregnancy:

~ I'm definitely in the waddling stage of life...in the grocery store recently, I realized that I was swaying back and forth as I walked--and that I literally could not stop that peculiar sideways motion...interestingly though, I read an article recently about how a pregnant woman's body changes and adapts to accommodate the growth of the baby and to prevent unfortunate events like the mother falling over from having so much weight in her front; and one of the adaptations is this waddle, so I'm glad for it!

~ for those who don't know, Josiah, our first son, was born one day before his due date...David, our second son, was born 12 days before his due date...so I have some history of being early, but of course, nothing is definitive when it comes to predicting this son's birth...although, I am suspecting he'll be early because of the other boys

~ I haven't had any "real" contractions--nothing at all with any pattern to it or anything that made me seriously think that "this is it!"...however, I have been having lots of Braxton Hicks contractions with this pregnancy, much more than with the other ones (which I've read is completely normal); but just recently I read that false contractions are usually just felt in the lower abdomen (where mine have been) and real contractions are usually felt throughout the whole abdomen and even the back...so I've not had a single moment so far when I was convinced that the time of birth was near

~ we're all trying to predict when the birth will be, of course...Jeff's prediction/desire for December 31 seems to be futile (unless things happen very, very quickly!)...I have a (completely evidence-less) theory that the baby will be born on a date that is a prime number (since all the rest of us in our family are born on prime number dates)...so December 29th was a possibility, as was the 31st...but so are the 1st and a whole host of other dates in January...that doesn't really narrow it down much at all!...my sister predicts January 10...my dad was hoping that it would be this past weekend when our family was here so that my sister-in-law could take over with babysitting and cooking duties...my mom simply hopes that it's after she gets a good night's sleep, since she's my second support person in the delivery room and she'd like to be full of energy when that time comes...so we're having fun thinking and dreaming and guessing when it will be :)

~ I did wake up last night with a soothing thought: I have no more pressure in my life...no hosting duties...VERY little written in my planner...no self-imposed stress that I have to accomplish certain things with either homeschooling or homemaking right now...I can have this baby as soon as he's ready; and if he's not ready for a while, that will give me a few more days/weeks to do a few things around here that probably won't get done right away after he is born (important stuff, like organizing my coupons!)...I don't have any serious health problems that make a soon delivery preferable...it really is OK if he comes sooner or later...either way is a win-win situation for me!

~ speaking of health problems, the weird symptom of the past two days has been fairly severe pain in my left side: abdomen, hip, and leg...it seems to be a simple case of the sciatic nerve (or another nerve which Dad named but I can't remember) being squished by the baby...nothing to worry about, but it does relegate me to the couch when the pain strikes...if I try to walk during a painful episode, not only does it hurt but it also feels as if my leg isn't working and I have to drag a heavy "bum" leg around behind me...I've been so mentally "ready" for labor that now, to deal with this other pain (and to have people do my normal work and take care of me) just feels silly!

~ Friday evening when my brother and his family arrived from Pennsylvania, my parents used the gift certificates that some of my dad's patients gave him for Christmas and took us all out for dinner at Cracker Barrel which was delicious and fun--and I didn't have to cook or clean up that night!...while we were there, I was thinking about how earlier this year, it was much more of a challenge to go out to eat as a family, since David was still at the age of wanting to get down and run around and needing LOTS of entertainment items to make it through a dinner out...now, however, things have changed; and for the most part, it's fairly simple to all eat out together, since David can be kept occupied with much less stuff and, in general, is more of an easy guest in a restaurant...Friday night, I thought to myself, "how ironic that now that life is getting easier--as far as restaurants go and many other ways--here we go again with making things difficult!"...oh, well, I've never felt "done" as far as having babies goes, so I just accept the fact that this stage of my life still includes lots of diapers, interrupted sleep, big diaper bags when we go anywhere, lots of noise, and room-temperature dinners for me!

~ to say that I'm a little tired of maternity clothes would probably qualify easily as an understatement, although I really am trying to enjoy each day of this pregnancy, all the way to the end...it was a joyful thought today to suddenly think about a particular pink "snowflakey" sweater I own that is NOT maternity, and to realize that soon I'll be able to wear it!...oh, the simple joys of life!

Week 36

This picture was taken on Christmas Day, when I was technically 36 weeks and 6 days. Once again, I'm "late" with posting about week 36, since I'm now steaming full speed ahead into week 37. Oh, well...that's life these days!

Week 36 was characterized by something which I'm certain will be the trademark of all the remaining weeks: the question, "When will this baby be born???" My parents both said that they think I won't make it until January, but they didn't say why. (I'm thinking that they're thinking that because of my size!) My dad was personally hoping for today, December 27, since that was his dad's birthday. Jeff still favors December 31, since by that time, the family we will have here over the weekend will be gone and all our Christmas celebrations will officially be over, but it will still be 2007. I am ready any day...although when I think about the future and planning a birthday party for this boy, I realize it would probably be a lot easier and less hectic if his birthday was in January, with a little space between the holidays and his day. But who knows???

It's such a mystery, and I've come to appreciate that fact. One of the girls who works in the barber shop with Jeff is pregnant, too; but because they're having a planned c-section, she already knows what day her son will be born: February 29. (What a fun day for a birthday!) As I've thought about her situation, I've begun to see that the suspense of it all is really an enjoyable thing for me. I love waking up and thinking, "Will this be the day?" I love falling asleep wondering, "Will I wake up tonight with contractions?" Although some days I definitely think, "This would NOT be a convenient day for a birth," most days I imagine how wonderful it would be to be able to cancel everything else in life and focus on my baby being born. :)

I continue to check off things that I was hoping the baby would be born AFTER: like the first day of winter (a silly wish of mine is to have a baby born in each season, and this is our winter baby), like this past Sunday when I was involved in our church service, like Christmas, like 37 weeks (so I can technically be full-term), etc. I really think the only two things on my mental list now are the visit this coming weekend from my brother and his family from Pennsylvania...and a Harmonia Sacra singing that I want to go to on New Year's Day. That's all I have on my agenda! But you know, if little man decides to poke his head out before either of those events, it would be completely fine with me. :)

Another thing about this stage of pregnancy is that, despite my continued fatigue, I do have bursts of energy....which is very good...but also somewhat frustrating because I never know when they're going to come--and when they're going to end. Yesterday I felt fairly energetic and felt like I was accomplishing a lot...until about 8:00 p.m. last evening when I collapsed into bed, leaving various projects half-finished. But I just keep reminding myself that my energy will return and my enthusiasm for certain tasks will not be gone forever. For example, this week I've been thinking about painting the walls in our bedroom and rearranging things in there. Not that I'm planning to actually do that work now, but at least I'm dreaming for the future and planning that sometime in 2008, it might get done! For me, this is a step in the right direction that I'm actually able to devote some brain power to this and get excited about it.

I think most of all right now, it truly is sinking in that I'm going to have a baby...that soon and very soon, I will go into labor...it's not a far-off situation anymore, since it really could happen any day. It's been fun to talk about the upcoming birth with my parents and with Jeff, and I've also spent an enormous amount of time thinking about it, especially when I'm lying in bed at night trying to sleep. Last night, for example, I consciously thought my way through the whole process: what I would do when contractions started...when it was time to go to the hospital...when we arrived at the hospital...etc. The whole process from start to finish. It will be interesting to see if reality even comes close to my imaginings!

Best Gifts

Besides Jesus, undoubtedly the best gifts in my life are these smiling faces. I am so undeserving of--and grateful for--their love. Who could ask for anything more?

A (Hugely) Pregnant Woman's View of the Christmas Story

During this Advent season, I have enjoyed reflecting in new ways on the old, old story of Christmas; and because I am now quite far along in this pregnancy, I find my reflections focusing on the pregnant women in the story. I've been pregnant at Christmas before, but never this pregnant...and it has brought to light for me some things about Advent that I've never considered before in such depth.

It occurred to me this past week that reading the Bible is a little like watching a TV show. How so? Because usually during a show (unless the producers want to end with a cliffhanger so the audience will watch the following week), a "problem" is presented, along with some of the background to it, and (most importantly) the solution is also presented--all in 30 minutes or less--so unlike reality. But isn't that the way it is sometimes when we read the Bible? In the space of a few verses or, at the most, a few chapters, we are presented with the background of a situation, the situation itself, and the resolution. In real life, the events described may have taken place over decades or centuries, but we read about them in 5 minutes...and sometimes miss connecting with the long-term nature of people's struggles, people's faith, and God's hand at work.

For example, in Genesis 25, we are told that Isaac and Rebekah got married, she didn't get pregnant, Isaac prayed for her, and twins were born to them. Boom, boom, boom, right? Wrong! There is actually a span of 20 years between the time they were married and the time their children were born. 20 years! That's a long time to be praying for something and having faith for it. What if we allowed ourselves to read the first part of Isaac's predicament, then made ourselves wait 20 years to read the fulfillment of the situation? Silly, of course; and we would never do that. But if we somehow could and did, it might help us connect more honestly with the real-life struggles of the men and women we hold up as heroes of the faith...and it might give us more hope for our own long-term problem situations.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, Christmas...

Being pregnant this year has fleshed out the Christmas narrative and helped fill in some of the details of how it might have been for the men and women who were part of this drama.

The first person I've been thinking about is Elizabeth. How in the world did she know she was pregnant? There were obviously no home pregnancy tests, no ultrasounds, and no fetal stethoscopes. By telling us that her age was advanced, the Bible seems to indicate that she was past menopause, so the cessation of her monthly cycle (sorry to be blunt) would not have been the clue for her. How did she know???

Well, obviously, she had Zechariah's news of the vision that he saw, while in the Temple, of the angel who promised that they would conceive a son--the same angel who, when Zechariah showed signs of disbelief, took away Zechariah's speech until after his son was born. Was Zechariah's sudden muteness simply a punishment for his lack of faith? I personally think it was more than that. I think it was a sign that was given by God so that Zechariah, Elizabeth, and all their family and friends (who undoubtedly gossiped up a storm about the situation) would constantly be reminded during those long nine months that something extraordinary had happened and a divine drama was being enacted in their lives.

In any case, we see no evidence in the text that Elizabeth doubted that she was indeed pregnant; but as a pregnant woman, I can imagine that she longed for the day when she would feel her baby move. That, after all, is one of the surest signs that we as women have even today that there really is a baby inside us!

The Bible tells us in Luke 1 that Mary visited Elizabeth during the 6th month of Elizabeth's pregnancy, and that when the two women saw each other, the baby in Elizabeth's womb leaped. Although this is not specifically stated, the conclusion that I have always drawn from it is that it was the first time that Elizabeth felt her baby move. If so, that is late for a woman to first feel her baby move. What kinds of doubts may have assailed Elizabeth as she eagerly waited for the "quickening" inside her...which seems to have happened later than in a "normal" pregnancy?

Can you picture the conversations that Elizabeth and the village women might have had?
Women: Elizabeth! How are you? How's the baby? Have you felt him move yet?
Elizabeth: Well...I'm not sure. What's it supposed to feel like when he moves?
Women: For us, it felt like butterflies...flutters...a little earthquake, etc.
Elizabeth: I thought maybe I felt something the other night, but then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Women: Oh. Well, I hope you feel something soon.
Elizabeth: Yeah. Me, too...

Of course, this is all conjecture, so I hope no one takes me too seriously with this! But I do find myself even more inspired by Elizabeth when I consider how she seems to have reacted with continued faith even when the act of holding to that faith may have been very difficult to do.

*******

The next pregnant woman in the story is obviously Mary, so recently I've been thinking about her more than usual, too. The first thing that strikes me about her is how intensely personal her pregnancy must have been...if it's at all like my own has been, anyway. I think as women, no matter how much of our pregnant thoughts and feelings we share with our moms, with other women, with our husbands, etc., at some level, it's really all about us. Us--and this mysterious being growing inside us.

I think back to the "selfish" period I had during this pregnancy, when I enjoyed the bond I had with this baby so much that I didn't want pregnancy to end. (I've moved out of that stage, by the way; but it was a very real, very strong feeling for a time!) I loved the fact that I and my baby were one, with nothing separating us. I was the privileged one who was responsible for meeting every need that he had, and in return was entitled to feel each of his movements. At that point in time in any pregnancy, no one else comes close in terms of connection to that child.

And Mary had this with Jesus.

How incredibly special this must have been for her. First of all, God chose HER--not simply for her womb, since there were lots of "available wombs" in Israel in those days--but for something deeper: something in her character, something in her heart. And she was the one who was blessed with this closeness to Jesus that no one else ever had. When it says in Luke 2:51 that Mary pondered these things in her heart, I think part of that pondering involved the time that she was pregnant with Jesus and held Him so close to her heart, safe from all the forces that wanted to destroy Him.

In our Sunday school class a few weeks ago, we talked about how to deal with Mary. Practically idolized in some churches, practically dismissed in others, she is a bit of a mystery; and I, for one, have been guilty of downplaying her role in this most sacred--and human--of dramas. As I have come through this season and felt perhaps some of the things she was feeling, I have sensed a greater connection with her as well as a heightened sense of respect for the incredibly special role God asked her to play. I wish I knew more about her because I'm sure I have a lot to learn from her!

*******

Now that I've described how personal an experience pregnancy is for a woman, I want to switch gears and write about the way it bonds a man and woman. I can't write this from firsthand experience, of course, but it seems to me that watching the woman you love give birth is an experience like no other. In fact, from my own life, it seems that Jeff has been more in love with me after our sons' births than he was before. It simply elevates a relationship between a man and woman to a new level, and it cements it with a stronger bond than before. (I realize this doesn't ALWAYS happen, but in a functional marriage, I believe it is true...)

So I wonder, how did this affect the relationship between Joseph and Mary? My guess is that it made them love each other and rely on each other more than they ever had before, even though Jesus wasn't Joseph's biological child. In thinking this, I admit to making a few assumptions.

First, I assume that Mary had no one to help her during labor except for Joseph. The Biblical text does not specify any of the details about the birth; but as I have grown up hearing and reading the story, I always seem to picture Joseph and Mary arriving in Bethlehem as Mary is in an advanced stage of labor, they wearily knock on a few doors, they find nothing but a stable, they get to the stable, and Jesus is born very soon thereafter...certainly, that same night. This is how it happened, right? Well...it's impossible to know. Maybe Mary did have a woman to attend to her--maybe the innkeeper's wife? maybe a local midwife? maybe a distant relative of either Mary or Joseph? Who knows?

Second, I assume that Joseph was indeed with her when Jesus was born, and that he didn't suddenly feel the need to take a walk or check on the donkey in a back corner of the stable, only to return after she had delivered the baby. Again, who knows?

But somehow, even if it wasn't just Mary and Joseph together when Jesus was born, I do believe that the whole trip to Bethlehem and birth experience there did bring them closer to each other than would have been possible in Nazareth. After all, when you're separated from your home, your hometown, your family, your friends, and you're "alone" with your husband, you instinctively lean on him for help, support, companionship, love, rather than running to your mom or your best friend to fulfill those needs. Without a doubt, that's what happened to me when Jeff and I were newlyweds in San Diego and I didn't really know a soul there except for him.

And another thing--the fact that so early in their married life and in the life of their Son, a crazy lunatic of a king named Herod was seeking to kill their baby (and maybe them as well), forcing them to flee to Egypt, must have also contributed to the tightness of their bond with each other. I think it probably gave them an "us" against "the world" mentality that made their small family unit very strong. In a small way, that's what happened to Jeff and I when our son David was born in Tel Aviv and we had to "fight" the hospital system to bring him home early. But that's another story... :)

*******

Lastly about Mary is the obvious point that somehow she must have kept a positive attitude even during the uncomfortable times of her pregnancy. I don't think that she was perfect, but I do think that the spirit in her that led God to choose her was probably far less of a complaining spirit than the one I possess! Simply thinking about her trip to Bethlehem makes me grateful that I'm not her. Whether she walked or rode a donkey to get there, it couldn't have been much fun! And all the other inconveniences she dealt with...wow, I should keep my mouth shut and never complain again. After all, when I have pregnancy heartburn, I can easily pop a few Tums to control it. When my sleeping is interrupted by back pain, I can use a maternity pillow to ease it (not that it takes away all the pain, but it does help!). When I'm tired, I can take a nap on a comfy couch in the comfort of my own home. Mary had none of these conveniences.

And so I ask myself again, how good is my attitude when I'm not feeling well? How patiently and joyfully do I deal with the discomforts of pregnancy?

*******

Once again, I feel incredibly blessed to have the gift of this pregnancy at this Christmas season--and the gift of new (to me) thoughts that have come out of reflection on the well-known story. Isn't it amazing how the Bible can continue to teach us new things no matter how many times we read it or how long we live?

Still the One

One day this week, the song "Still the One" came on the radio; and I, not having heard it for a long time, said impulsively, "Oh, I like this song!" Josiah's question, not surprisingly, was "Why?" So I happily explained to him that the song was about a woman who had been married to her husband for a long time but loved him more than ever and was so glad that he was her husband. That explanation seemed to satisfy him, for which I was grateful. :)

That song and the memory of that conversation stuck with me, and they have been a sweet reminder this week of how very blessed I am to have this man for my husband. I was thrilled to have the photographer take some pictures of us as a couple last week, since until one of our children gets old enough to actually take pictures that aren't blurry (Josiah tries, but inevitably his pictures are indeed blurry), we don't often get the chance for these couple shots.

I can't imagine going through this pregnancy without the support and understanding and tender love of my wonderful husband...from the humorous times when he makes power equipment noises to imitate a crane in the middle of the night as I groan my way from one side to the other, to the teary times when he asks me kindly what's wrong and helps to ease whatever load is burdening me. He is definitely still the one for me!

Love that Belly!

Another fun pic from Sunday's photo shoot that I love... :)

Week 35

The highlight of this week of pregnancy is easy to identify: a photo session we had with a professional photographer on Sunday to shoot some maternity pictures. This was a dream come true for me--literally, something I had wanted "forever" and had specifically been planning for a very long time. Even when we were still living in Israel and making plans to move back to this house, I knew exactly which walls I wanted to hang these pictures on, and what else to surround the photos with...but I just didn't have the pictures yet. Now I do!!! :)

Our original plan for the photographer we were going to use fell through, so we went to Plan B. But it all worked out very well, and we were pleased with the photographer's manner, expertise, and price. We also were thrilled that he gave us a disk with all the pictures he shot, along with permission to edit in any way we wish and print it whenever and however we desire. He took the pics on Sunday, and gave us the disk today--sooner than we expected--and now comes the fun part: the editing. Jeff is actually much better at that than I am, but I think we'll both have fun playing around with it in the days to come.

For now, I thought I'd share these two pics just for fun, since I was really pleased with how they turned out even without editing.

On the other side of the coin, the hard part of this week has been fatigue. I am so tired. I have had to really push myself to accomplish anything this week. I'd much rather stay home, "sit on my egg" til it's ready, and enjoy my nest...but duty calls, and I must answer. Fortunately, our schedule really is getting lighter, with things more spaced out; and every time something ends (like Josiah's swimming lessons or like our Friday night potlucks), I feel a sense of relief that I've made it through one more thing and can take a break from it and focus on this upcoming birth.

I have to remind myself often that I won't feel this way forever. Someday I will have energy. Someday I will feel excited again about a project. Someday I will make big plans for planting flowerbeds...or organizing the closet in the guest room...or even simply accomplishing all the laundry. But for now, I crawl along at a snail's pace, maintaining what absolutely must be done (but not doing a great job with anything, I feel) and counting the hours until I can either take a nap or go to bed.

This too shall pass... :)

Week 34

Week 34 is over and gone, but I wanted to get this picture posted before this moment of time becomes too much of a distant memory! Once again, I'm in awe of Jeff's picture-taking and picture-editing. Gotta love those photo programs that enable a picture to be changed quite a bit! One of these days, I'll tell you about a woman named Ralia and some picture-editing that encouraged her...

As I think back to this past week of pregnancy, the overwhelming impression for me is how strongly my mental attitude affects my physical feelings. I had a few rough weeks--of discomfort, fatigue, eagerness for this pregnancy to be over, etc.--but this week, God has graciously given me a positive outlook again...and it's truly made all the difference. I feel grateful again for each day of this pregnancy...I feel like I can really enjoy this time...I feel content with this phase of life. I'm sure a variety of factors contributed to this change of heart, and maybe one of these days I'll take the time to write them down. But for now, I'm simply happy--happy to be pregnant, and happy to be happy to be pregnant! :)

Week 33

Here I am at 33 weeks, sitting in one of the rockers in front of our local Cracker Barrel restaurant. I know I really should be standing to get the full effect of my "growth," but who can resist the lure of these old-fashioned rockers? Certainly a 33-week pregnant woman cannot stay on her feet when these are near! In fact, she probably can't stay on her feet for long, even when these wonderful rocking chairs are not around...but that's another issue... :)

At the beginning of this week, I had another appointment with one of the midwives who is caring for me; and it went so smoothly--just like silk. Everything continues to look fine, which is such a huge blessing; and I don't take it for granted.

The one weird thing about this week of pregnancy is the continued strange vision in my right eye. It's mostly just a nuisance, but I do catch myself seeing things that aren't really there: like dirt on a dish that's coming out of the dishwasher, spots on laundry before I wash it, mice on the counter (remember, it's not really there!), a bug on my arm, etc. Strange stuff! It's hard not to be able to trust my own eyes. :)

I talked with the midwife about this, and she didn't seem concerned at all. She said that it's almost certainly a result of increased blood volume during pregnancy which can affect the optical pressure in the eye which can result in the changed vision...which should return to normal shortly after delivery, if not before. She recommended waiting until at least a week or two after delivery before calling an eye doctor to get it evaluated further. Each time I notice my eye really acting up, I think to myself, "I sure hope I'm not going blind!" I can be such a pessimist when it comes to my own health; it's so easy to imagine the worst (and so unproductive...and so essentially faithless...so I try not to dwell on those thoughts).

I'm going to call it a night as far as blogging goes, although there is really a lot more I would like to write about--and fun pictures to post from various activities recently. However, I am on a mission to get my Christmas letters sent out early this year, so I'm inspired to remove myself from the computer now so I can go stuff envelopes. Fun, fun, fun! :) I actually did send out the first batch of Christmas letters today, so if you're on my list and your last name starts with A-F, you just might get yours soon. If, however, you are so unfortunate as to have a last name that begins with W, Y, or Z, you might be waiting a while--and depending on how life goes for me in the next few weeks, you may never receive one. If so, please don't be offended--just change your last name to something starting with an A or a B. :)

Week 32

Thanksgiving Day--and I felt so grateful. Even though I felt like an overstuffed bear BEFORE I ate any dinner, I still was so thankful as I considered what was going on last year on Thanksgiving.

A year ago, I was actually pregnant on Thanksgiving, although the pregnancy test I did that morning was negative. I had wanted to be able to share the news with my family over Thanksgiving dinner, if I was indeed pregnant; but my body didn't cooperate and give me a positive pregnancy test until I dared to test again a few days later. I should have known then that something might be wrong, since normally my hormones bounce up immediately and the pregnancy tests always show up positive. But I didn't suspect anything, and blissfully enjoyed the next few weeks of that pregnancy...until I realized the truth--that I was having a miscarriage.

This period of time last year was so intense: pregnancy, miscarriage, robbery, my dad's health, church stuff. When I stop to think about it, a load of emotions surface. But how sweet it is to be on this side of that tumultuous time and be able to relax and rejoice in the way things have changed--for the better--during the past year.

One thing I'm grateful for is the way Jeff helps me to put things about this pregnancy into perspective. I must have a very short memory when it comes to some of this stuff, because I'll ask him, "Did I feel this huge in my other pregnancies?" fully expecting the answer to be "no." He'll pause, then say, "Umm, yes." I'll ask him, "Was I this emotional in those pregnancies?" Again, the pause, then the honest answer: "yes." Anything I ask--"was I this tired? this uncomfortable? this ready to have the baby? this whatever?"--the answer is always "yes!" I guess as a new mother, not only did I forget the pain of labor like the Bible promises, but I also forgot some of the pain of pregnancy. That must be a good thing since it keeps us mamas having babies! But it does amuse me how much clearer Jeff's memory is than mine. :)

During this week, I've developed a weird "twitching" spot in the vision of my right eye. As I look out through that eye, slightly to the right of where I'm focusing, there is an area that constantly quivers and shakes. I ignored it for a few days, thinking that it would probably go away; but by last night, I was beginning to be concerned about the possibility of preeclampsia, since I know that vision disturbances are one of the symptoms of that condition. This morning I had decided that I finally needed to call my midwives and see what their advice was; but before I did that, I called my favorite doctor to ask what he thought, and he told me I could come down to his office and he would check it out for me. So up the hill traipsed my mom to stay with the boys while I headed to my dad's office. One check-up later, I was given the all-clear and told that I had nothing to worry about! Whew! For the millionth time, I thanked God that Dad is a doctor. :)

Even though I have become very eager the past few weeks for our new baby to make his appearance, I did realize tonight, as I was wrestling (figuratively, of course) my other two sons into bed, that life won't exactly be easier after the baby is born. No matter how uncomfortable I feel, it still is much simpler to have this baby inside me than outside...so I'll continue to appreciate each day of this pregnancy and not wish it away, knowing that time slips away quickly enough, and it doesn't need me to hurry it along!

Two Wishes

1. I wish I didn't get sick every time my boys do. On Monday night before he went to bed, Josiah said the words that seem to precede every cold he gets: "My throat feels dry." The next day, not surprisingly, both he and David were suffering from the familiar symptoms: runny nose, sneezing, sore throat, etc.--nothing too major, but not any fun either. Tuesday night was a rough night; we seem to have one of those with each go-around of the cold bug. And now the colds seem to be simply running their course.

Unfortunately, despite my consumption of huge quantities of vitamin C to try to escape the inevitable sharing of germs that seems to happen every time, by the middle of yesterday afternoon, my throat was scratchy...and I knew what was coming.

On the bright side:
~ this is as good a time as any to be sick, I suppose, since yesterday's Thanksgiving meal was the last major event on my schedule for a while...my planner page for the next few days is fairly empty
~ I suppose my immunity is built up each time I have a cold...and maybe that immunity gets passed along to the baby??? I'm not at all sure about that, but the thought that my suffering could benefit this unborn child does bring me comfort :)
~ it definitely helps me to be more compassionate with Josiah and David...when I wake up in the middle of the night with a painful throat, I can more easily understand why Josiah would wake up literally screaming in the night from his pain--and why David would need some extra cuddle & cry time, even though he can't tell me exactly what he's feeling

2. I wish I could continue to sail through this pregnancy with as much grace and positive outlook as I have so far. In other words, I wish I weren't normal. I know so well that the 3rd trimester can be a difficult time of life for a woman. "Everybody" says that the 1st and 3rd trimesters are tough, so enjoy the good times of the 2nd trimester while you've got them. But really, I would like to continue to fly through these last 2 months with nary a grimace or a groan. The reality is that I'm hitting the stage of lots of grimaces and groans, and I wish it wasn't that way.

I try to remind myself of my sons' memory verse: Do everything without complaining or arguing. (Phil. 2:14). And I also try to imitate the example of strong women in my family line who didn't complain about anything, even if they were feeling poorly or going through other rough times. I'm trying...I'm really trying...

On the bright side:
~ I can more readily relate to other women who are suffering through the agony (and joy) of pregnancy...and as their grumpiness increases as their due date approaches, I can remember how I too felt during these weeks
~ I know this suffering has a purpose--and an end!
~ I'm reminded (once again!) that I'm not perfect...and I can fall into the grace of God and rest in that