Maybe This Is Why I'm So Cold

I'm not sure if it's clear in the picture or not (although you can always click on the picture to enlarge it), but our temperature when we got up this morning was 1.

That's right: 1 degree. One measly little lonely degree.

That's the coldest I've seen it since we've moved back to this area, almost 3 and 1/2 years ago. I'm thinking we could use some global warming around here...or, at the very least, some regional warming. And for goodness' sake, if it's going to be this cold, it might as well snow and let us have some fun while we're freezing!

12 Weeks...13 Weeks...

Me and "The New Baby" as he/she is usually called by us--13 weeks, 1 day:
I didn't intend to go a few days this week without blogging, since blogging for me has become almost as natural as breathing and if I don't allow my thoughts to overflow into typed words, I sometimes feel a little "off." But I've been so tired, just SO TIRED. I keep thinking that since I'm almost to 14 weeks, my energy level should be bouncing back to normal soon. It actually has done that...here and there...once in a while...but always in an unpredictable way, usually departing when I'm right in the middle of a big plan to accomplish something major. And then--poof--there goes my energy, and suddenly I'm dropping on the couch and instantly falling asleep. So much for my big plans.

This instantly-falling-asleep thing is strange for me. When things are normal (non-pregnant), it's not as if I have a difficult time going to sleep; but I'll usually lay there for at least five minutes or so, rolling over a few times, finding a comfortable spot like Jack the bulldog did in the Laura and Mary books. Now, however, I lie down, and I'm asleep. It's that simple--that quick. No matter what time of the day or night, it takes me no time at all to drift off to sleep. Now I know how Jeff feels all the time.

This, by the way, is the reason there is no week 12 photo. The only appropriate one for that week would have been me on the couch cuddled under a blanket fast asleep. No one was around to take that picture during my naps (Josiah can't reach the camera shelf yet); and it's just as well, because it wouldn't have been a very exciting shot.

Other than fatigue, here are my recent complaints--er, I mean opportunities for developing perseverance and maturity (thanks for the reminder, James). Evening sickness was one that I jotted down in my planner last week; since then, it hasn't bothered me so much. I mentioned in my last pregnancy update that the nausea tends to hit me in the evening--still true--but I'm hopeful that I've turned a corner with this one. In any case, it was never severe; and when I think about typical morning sickness, I always count my blessings because I know many women are afflicted so much more severely with this than I have ever been.

Here's a silly complaint: I'm cold so much of the time. The house can literally be 75 degrees in the living room, but walking into the kitchen and feeling the slight change of temperature as I leave the vicinity of the woodstove is enough to make me feel chilled. Down here in the library where our computer is, I feel like I'm in a freezer; and since heat rises and I haven't been able to figure out how to reverse that basic scientific fact, no matter how hot the other levels of the house are, this room will always be an icebox (although I do splurge and turn on the baseboard heater when I'm in this room). When I found out I was pregnant, I thought, "Well, at least this baby will keep me warm during this winter!" But apparently my dearly-loved internal heater hasn't gotten the message because the only way it seems to have affected my temperature is by occasionally making it zoom up and down quickly and unpredictably. I can't get through a day without donning a sweatshirt or fleece, which at some point gets discarded when I unexpectedly break out in a sweat, which then gets put on again a little while later. I don't know when this little guy (or girl, but probably guy) is going to flip the keep-Mommy-warm-all-the-time switch and really start doing his job! Probably in June. :)

The other complaint (last one for tonight, I promise) is that I still fight feelings of being overwhelmed sometimes. A week or so ago, I was reading through some of the blog posts from the days after Tobin's birth; and even though they are incredibly precious to me (because he, of course, is that way), the emotions (not always good ones) came swirling back to me. The ups and downs of the hormonal roller coaster, the effects of sleep deprivation, the struggle to learn how to balance the needs of three boys (and how, in the case of the older boys, to help them rise to the occasion and meet their own needs and their brothers' needs), the slightly crazy things I did back then to try to regain control at a time when I felt like all control was slipping away--all of that was suddenly vivid again. With having these two babies only 18 months apart, there hasn't been enough time for my memory to be washed clean of all the tough and demanding aspects of having a new little one in the house. As I sat and fed Tobin his breakfast a few days ago, I thought, "How in the world am I ever going to do this? What if The New Baby wakes and wants to nurse at the same time that Tobin needs to be fed? Tobin can't feed himself yet (finger foods, yes, but can he survive on finger foods?), and he's used to me feeding him his cereal and helping him hold his sippy cup of milk first thing in the morning when he gets up. I'll have to figure out how to nurse The New Baby while I'm leaning down to get Tobin's cereal out of the cupboard, reaching into the refrigerator for milk, screwing the lid on his cup, etc. OK, that might work; but what will I do if one of them poops???" My thoughts are always completely logical. :)

On to the good stuff. Am I ever ready for it!

My dear unselfish mother lent me a couple pairs of her elastic waist knit pants, and they have helped me through this transition stage of dressing. Plus, I finally decided to go thrift shopping for some larger non-maternity jeans; and I'm so glad I did. Not only can I wear them now without having to constantly yank the handy-dandy "stretch panel" of maternity pants back up, I know I'll also find them very useful in the postpartum time period. Well worth 3 or 4 dollars!

I have to make a note here that last Wednesday, January 7, we decided on a boy's name!!! After deliberating about names all the way to 30 weeks when I was pregnant with Tobin, it seems remarkable that this time, during my 12th week, we've already reached a decision! It will be even more remarkable if we stick with this name all the way to the end because Jeff is good at changing his mind. :) Of course, I'm not going to reveal the name here yet; but I can promise you this: it's a name you've never ever heard of. I'll also give you a hint: it was the name of the teddy bear I took with me to Israel in January 1996. That might be helpful only to one blog reader; and, Michelle, if you happen to read this and, for some strange reason, remember that name, keep it quiet, will ya? ;)

Three specific things have happened in the past few weeks to calm my anxieties and excite my heart even more as I contemplate this new life. First, I've had the thought a number of times, "I've always wanted four children!" And it's true, from early in our marriage when I bought a Christmas decoration with four bear children around their bear mom and dad, I knew that the ideal family included four kids. :) Even though this special fourth one was a surprise for us in the timing, it was anticipated and wanted years ago. So what if I didn't think my last two would be this close in age? I still always knew I wanted four. (To be honest, that number has occasionally been bumped upward as I've pondered the joys of having more children and have thought that five sounded like a good number. The number has even dropped a time or two, particularly a year or so ago, when I thought my trio of boys might be just enough. But overall, four is the number that I have long had in my mind for our family.)

Second, one evening recently as I drove with Tobin to Wal-Mart, I had a moment of peace and joy as I thought about what it will actually be like to hold this tiny baby in my arms right after the birth. My bonding with this little one took a healthy step forward as I reveled in the thought of that first meeting. In that instant, I could picture it clearly; and I felt such love surge through me...and excitement...and-- oh, I can hardly wait!

Third, Jeff was talking one evening and said, "This baby is a God child." He went on to talk about how we've been married for 11 and 1/2 years and even though we've had four previous pregnancies, none of those came at the drop of a hat, so to speak. Why is it that now, suddenly, we're blessed with this surprise pregnancy? Obviously, God's hand is in it. Obviously, God wasn't taken by surprise. Obviously, God has a plan and knows better than we what we need.

Obviously! I'm so thankful.

Our Yearling

In the blink of an eye, Tobin is one. How that happened so fast, I'm not quite sure. Nevertheless, the calendar says it is now January 12, 2009; and that means a full year has passed since that indescribable night when he was born. I hope to post more birthday pictures tomorrow, but for tonight here are some recent photos of him that make my heart lurch when I see them because I realize that my baby, my little Tobin Bear, is progressing steadily along the inevitable path of growing up. Of course, I wouldn't have it any other way; but my heart can still lurch, can't it?

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~ Jeff took these pictures of Tobin on the rug on December 13...I love his wide-eyed curiosity as he watches the people and things around him so intently
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~ at Christmas, my brother brought us this carseat that their youngest son had outgrown, since they knew we would soon need to use our infant carseat for the new baby; and these pictures were taken on January 4, the first time Tobin rode in it...this was also the first day that Tobin didn't have any kind of morning nap; and by the time we were on our way home from good old Country Cookin' in the early afternoon, he was exhausted...to me, he looks so little in this big carseat!...I like the way protective big brother David is watching over him in the bottom picture (taken, by the way, after we got home and were parked in our garage, not along the way somewhere; we may be country, but we do not let our boys wander around the minivan while we're driving) :)

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~ another first for Tobin, this one on January 7: after-dinner storytime on Grandma's lap...I'm sure this scene will be repeated countless times during the coming years until Tobin is too big to fit on Grandma's lap!

Happy first birthday, sweet Tobin! You have lit up our lives this past year, and we will never stop thanking God for the profound gift He gave us in you.

Simple Sunday - Cedar Chest

~ thankful for this cedar chest which stands at the foot of our bed...made from cedar trees from my grandparents' farm in Pennsylvania, it was a very special gift from my parents when I graduated from high school...it was my hope chest, holding dishes, linens, "pretties," etc. in preparation for the time I would marry and have my own home...now it contains various sentimental items, ranging from the outfits each of the boys wore home from the hospital to the Jewish prayer shawl I gave Jeff when we were married to the letters I wrote to my parents during our years apart...I know it's just a piece of furniture, but I cherish it

There's Some Truth to That

A number of years ago, a friend of mine (who it was exactly, I cannot recall) gave me a daily calendar called "Friend to Friend" with a short prayer and a quote for each day of the year. I discovered that in a box of my "treasures" at some point last year and pulled it out to set on the windowsill above my kitchen sink. I enjoyed going through it during this past year and would look at it many times during the day. Sometimes the prayer of the day applied directly to my life; sometimes it didn't. Sometimes the quote of the day was corny, sometimes humorous, sometimes wise. But it was always a pleasure to flip the calendar to the new day and see what came next.

Here are a few of the quotes that stood out to me from that calendar:

~ Courage is fear that said its prayers.

~ You can knock the chip off the other person's shoulder simply by patting him on the back. I have seen this in action as I've learned about love languages, especially the words of affirmation love language. People with a chip on their shoulder can be disarmed by filling their love tank with words of affirmation.

~ A good neighbor doubles the value of a house. I can vouch for that since we have plenty of good neighbors around us who make it even more wonderful to live here!

~ Optimists are people who leave the dinner dishes because they will feel more like washing them in the morning. I try this sometimes, but the dishes don't look any more inviting to me in the morning than they did at night.

~ Some jobs have to be put off dozens of times before they completely slip your mind. Sigh...this one describes me, too.

~ A person's temper improves the more he doesn't use it.

~ God tucks mothers in at night. Awwwww... :)

~ The one time people never say, "It's just a game," is when they're winning. Watching my competitive boys has convinced me of this one!

~ Some believe that wrongs aren't wrong if they're done by nice people like ourselves. Ouch! This hits home because even this morning, I was thinking critical thoughts about some group of people (I really can't remember who, believe it or not). When I realized what I was doing, I knew that if anyone else had expressed such thoughts, I would have labeled them as prideful, close-minded, ignorant people. And that's exactly who I was--and am--more times than I'd like to admit.

~ Nothing widens a narrow driveway quite as much as looking at it with a snow shovel in your hand. Ah, the power of perspective! :)

~ A synonym is the word you use when you can't spell the other one. I'm guilty of that!

~ No one has been honored for what they received. They are honored for what they gave. True, so true.

And here is a recent gem of wisdom that I discovered for myself. Save one special decoration to bring out in January, so that the cold and gray days after Christmas are brightened a bit. For me this year, it's this stuffed snowman that I bought at a neighborhood yard sale in July. After I got him, I put him in a closet and occasionally peeked at him (one time even hugging and talking to him, convincing Jeff that I had surely lost my marbles), but resisted the urge to bring him out when decorating for Christmas. Now I'm so glad I waited and let him be a special January decoration; it makes me happy to see him on the bench inside our front door! :)

My Sweetie Pie-uh

Very early in Josiah's life, I came up with this little ditty to chant to him:
Josiah my-uh,
My sweetie pie-uh,
Josiah my-uh my-uh my,
My sweetie pie-uh pie-uh pie,
Josiah my-uh...

Back in the middle of November, I jotted down this conversation I had with him.
Me: Thank you, Josiah my-uh.
Josiah: My sweetie pie-uh.
Me: You ARE my sweetie pie-uh!
Josiah: And you are, too!!!

He is such a sweetheart. I look at him and simply marvel sometimes that he's real and that he's my son.

On that same planner page from November, I wrote down that on a particularly stressful day for me (though I don't remember the details of what was stressing me), Josiah asked kindly, "So, do you need me to do anything for you?" Were sweeter words ever uttered? (Especially for someone whose love language is acts of service...)

Josiah has amused me by watching eagerly for the growth of my tummy during these early weeks of pregnancy and occasionally uttering, "I can't wait until you get fat!" I'm glad someone's looking forward to that. :)

I've been reminded recently that Josiah is indeed growing up, and the latest reminder is his first loose tooth! It started getting loose during the last week of December and now seems to be toying with us, getting looser and then tightening up again. Are they supposed to do that? It's been so long since I lost my baby teeth that I can't remember how long it takes once they start to get loose and exactly how the process is going to go. I do, however, remember my dad tying dental floss around a loose tooth of mine, claiming that it was so loose that it might fall out in my sleep and I might choke on it. Then he unceremoniously yanked on the poor tooth, effectively removing it from my mouth but at the same time making it disappear from the planet, so it seemed. We looked and looked for that tooth! It was finally found...in his shirt pocket. My parents didn't do the whole Tooth Fairy thing with us kids which was fine with me; the excitement produced by the loss of a tooth was quite enough without adding a financial incentive to it. Jeff and I haven't talked about it, but I don't think we'll bring up the Tooth Fairy with Josiah either. It will be interesting to see how this whole process of losing teeth goes for him, however. Fortunately, Josiah has a very timely dentist appointment next week with dear Dr. Greene, so we'll be able to get a professional opinion about the tooth situation.

I just thought of another unique thing about Josiah. Whenever he's in the slightest bit of pain or is dealing with some physical situation out of the ordinary, he is EAGER to be seen by a doctor and be given a professional opinion about what his ailment is. I'm sure that his comfort level with doctors is extraordinarily high because his own grandpa is a doctor, but I do have to smile sometimes at how quickly he wails to be seen by the doctor or--better yet--be taken to the hospital when a small injury befalls him. No matter what time of day or night or how serious or minor his pain is, he doesn't waste much time before saying, "Are you going to call Grandpa?" What a boy!

~ a picture of Josiah from today, sound asleep (in what to me looks like an uncomfortable position) on the couch after an incredibly fun visit from the Sacra family...he had such a good time that he got all tuckered out!
~ Jeff took this picture of Josiah's hands gently holding a ladybug yesterday...it's often a fun surprise to me to download the pictures from the camera and see who else got a hold of it and what they took pictures of :)

Out of the Mouth of Babes

Tonight during supper, we were playing a rousing round of Name That Baby! Dad suggested "Bass" (put it with our last name, and you'll know why that was such a hit), Jeff mentioned my mother's maiden name (a name which I've always thought would be nice as a middle name but which I had never considered for a first name...hmm, I'll have to think about that, but I might get used to it), Josiah was lobbying for "Thomas" (you think Thomas the Tank Engine had anything to do with that?), then he switched his tune and brought up "Gandalf" (the boys recently watched the 1970s cartoon version of The Lord of the Rings so they currently think Gandalf would be a great name for our baby so that "he could grow up to be a wizard!" ahem...no thanks). When David suggested "Toby," I told him that was too close to "Tobin"; but then I proceeded to tell them how I had, that late night of half-witted name suggestions that I wrote about previously, thrown out the name "Torin" to Jeff since wouldn't Tobin and Torin be nice together? Almost like twins? 18-month-apart twins? :)

I also brought up "Quinn," a name I have long admired both for the sound, the country of origin (Irish), and the meaning (wise). Since this is actually our 5th pregnancy, Quinn seemed appropriate to me. Jeff, however, reminded us of why he doesn't like Quinn (or Quentin, or Quincy, or anything else even close to that); it reminds him of the infamous San Quentin State Prison in California. Imagine that--he doesn't want to name our son (if this is a boy, which only God knows) after a prison!

David, in a flash of brilliance, realized that the 3rd syllable of the word "consequence" sounds a lot like one of those names Daddy doesn't like, so to be amusing, he said, "How about if we name our new baby Consequence?" He had no idea how profound he had just been--nor why the adults in the room started convulsing with laughter; but he joined in heartily, as did Josiah who laughed so hard that the fruit salad in his mouth escaped and landed back in his bowl.

Ah, David, my boy, you are wise beyond your years. And hopefully, it will be years before you realize just how appropriate that name suggestion was!

Resolutions

I'm a big fan of resolutions. I always make them, knowing full well that I won't be able to keep them as consistently as I would like, but at the same time knowing that there is value in setting goals and pleasure in looking back upon them in years to come. Seeing my old lists of dreams/goals/resolutions from long ago reminds me of who I was then and--usually--brings a smile to my face as I reminisce.

Last year however, with Tobin's birth approaching rapidly and consuming all the spare bits of brain power I had, I skipped my normal act of reflecting and resolving. I had one over-arching goal: learn how to be a mother of three children. I knew, for better or for worse, quickly or slowly, I would meet that goal!

Along comes 2009, and I'm far enough into this pregnancy to have regained some energy and enthusiasm as I regard the future, so I suppose it was inevitable that I make some resolutions. Here then is my list, with some goals being broader and some more specific, some more long-term and some more quickly accomplished. If I sat and thought long enough, I would surely add to this list; but here are the first ten things I came up with.

1. Nurture my spirit--or rather, God's Spirit in me. I don't want to set rigid goals like pray an hour a day or read the whole Bible in English, Hebrew, and Spanish this year! But I want to be very aware of the thirst of my soul and very focused on making the quenching of that thirst a top priority as I go through my days.

2. Continue to make my marriage a priority. I saw significant growth in this area during 2008, especially with the addition of scheduled dates with Jeff. I want to make sure that continues so that, no matter what else is going on around us, we will make the time to connect with each other.

3. Learn how to be a mother of four children. Hey, this one sounds familiar! I had no idea last year, when I jotted down my lofty goal about being a mother of three, that I would repeat that goal this year, adding one to the number of children for which I'm responsible!

4. Be an encourager in my various communities: in my family, my church, my town (especially as I interact with other mothers through Josiah's various activities), and even here in the blogging community.

5. Think of age-appropriate jobs for the boys, and continue the task of training them to find fulfillment in work. Sometimes this necessitates changing the way things are physically set up in the house or the way I usually go about things, but I want to discern and make these changes so that they can grow in this area and feel proud of the contributions they make to our family. (I've actually made one change in this area already; I reorganized our plastics cupboard so that Josiah can put away more things as he empties the dishwasher. It used to be that Josiah and David would work together to put away the silverware while I unloaded everything else. Now however, David does the silverware, Josiah does the plastics, and I do the breakables.)

6. Learn more about photography and my new camera, while still giving myself grace to take and post far-from-perfect pictures because the moments I want to capture aren't going to wait until I become an "expert."

7. Tame the paper monster. Paper clutter is absolutely the most frustrating part of housekeeping for me. I have not been successful in staying on top of this area of life, but I so much hope to make a dent in my paper clutter this year...and more importantly, do a better job of dealing with the papers as they enter the house so that my infamous pile by the telephone doesn't accumulate like it currently does. If I accomplish this resolution, my family will probably all agree that a miracle has occurred! :)

8. Organize our homeschool closet. This is one that I hope to accomplish this month because I know there are "treasures" buried in there that the boys would enjoy using, but as it is now, they pull something out of that closet at risk of bodily injury from falling debris!

9. Make an organized grocery list. Since I usually shop in the same grocery store, I would very much like to make an aisle-by-aisle list of things I normally buy so that I could simply check them off when they're needed; and my time in the store would be diminished as I eliminate the "oh, I forgot the cream cheese; let me run back and get it" moments that I occasionally experience. :) This, as well as #8, is also something I hope to accomplish in January.

10. Do better with meal planning and my family cookbook that I'm creating. As it is now, I often print recipes off the Internet that I want to try, then stuff them into various nooks and crannies, only to discover them months later (but not when I'm consciously trying to find them, of course). That is not a very effective way to organize meal prep!

I know once July comes, most of these goals will be out the window as my focus narrows to the tiny treasure I'll cradle in my arms. But I have high hopes that in the first half of this year, I'll be able to accomplish some of these goals, paving the way for a smoother ride during the following 6 months.

One thing that encourages me as I look throughout this year is that my big planning for Josiah's second grade year has already been done. One night a few months ago, I was suddenly seized with inspiration for what I wanted to cover next year with him, so I sat down at the computer and jotted down ideas while they were fresh in my head. Let me tell ya, I'm thrilled that I did that! I still have some smaller decisions to make about the details of second grade; and I actually have some dilemmas that I plan to write about someday to seek some input (like what kind of writing to steer Josiah towards: traditional block printing followed by cursive, or the new italic style of writing)...but it feels reassuring to have the basic building blocks in place for the next year of homeschool so that I won't be scrambling to come up with something--anything!--as I simultaneously nurse a newborn, comfort a toddler, cheer on a 4 year-old, and discuss deep thoughts with a 7 year-old--all on just a few hours of sleep a night. :)

To close, here are two verses that are particularly inspiring me as I approach the new year--my theme verses for 2009, so to speak.
"Serve the Lord with gladness." - Psalm 100:2 (KJV)
"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." - Colossians 3:23-24 (NIV)

Simple Sunday - Josiah's Raised Hands

~ thankful for the hands of my firstborn...hands that clap, draw, grasp, give a high five, hold, get dirty, get clean, hug, etc...

...and thankful that I learned how to put text on a picture...there is so much computer stuff that I'm still clueless about, but it's a good feeling to take a small step forward in this area! :)

Busy Today...

...putting away Christmas decorations, a job which seemed to take forever and still isn't done.
But not too busy to seize the chance to take Tobin outside in the "warm" (50 degree) weather for some fun in his swing. He was happy here while I fed the chickens and dogs and while I spent a little time taking a picture that I'd been thinking about for a while and that I'll share tomorrow. I was happy to get this picture of Tobin because it shows his two teeth (if you click on the picture, it will enlarge so you can see it). It's amazing to think he'll soon be a year old!

8 Weeks...9 Weeks...10 Weeks...11 Weeks...

I've fallen far behind in my attempt to chronicle this pregnancy, so I'm going to try to lump a bunch of stuff in this one post and catch up on this past month.

First, the pictures, and I'll throw a disclaimer in here to let you know that I don't really like the pictures (well, I like the last one), but I'm including them anyway to share all the aspects of this pregnancy. I think the main reason I don't like them (particularly the first two) is because, when I look at them, I see a tired, slightly shell-shocked face--a face that demonstrates the truth of a notation in my records at SWHC: "unexpected pregnancy, adjusting accordingly" (the midwife I saw today told me about this note the nurse educator had written in my chart there during my first visit which landed during my 8th week, and it made me laugh because of how accurate it was!). By 10 weeks, I was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel and was able to come out of my daze a little. By 11 weeks, the joy was flowing abundantly through my soul again, and I think it shows in the picture. That's not all that shows, since--woah!--look how that belly is sticking out already! :)

Looking at these pictures reminds me of a conversation I had recently with Becky, a friend from church. She is the mother of four children, born within only 5 years, and her fourth was a surprise. She mentioned that when she looks back at pictures of herself from that time period, she notices how fatigued and overwhelmed she appeared in all the photographs. Now that her children range in age from 13 to 8, life has become much easier for her; and she assured me that it would eventually become that way for me, too!

~ 8 weeks, 1 day
~ 9 weeks, 1 day

~ 10 weeks, 1 day
~ 11 weeks, 1 day...this was taken during our family Christmas celebration last Sunday, and it reminded me of the picture taken last year during the same event when I was 37 weeks pregnant with Tobin and looked like I had a watermelon stuffed under my shirt

As my emotions have evened out and my body has begun to adjust to these crazy pregnancy hormones again and I've become somewhat rational again, I've realized that there's probably a very good reason that late fall is an emotional time for me. Not only are the daylight hours growing shorter and the temperatures are dropping, but also I've been pregnant three years in a row during these weeks of late fall. 2006 was the pregnancy that ended in miscarriage; 2007 was Tobin's, of course; and now 2008 has brought us pregnancy again! I certainly never planned it that way, but I did find myself reflecting often during the last weeks of November and first weeks of December on the events of the previous two years and how they compared to the present. For example, on Thanksgiving Day, I thought about how in 2006 I was pregnant but didn't know it...in 2007 I was heavily pregnant with Tobin...and now here I am pregnant again on Thanksgiving in 2008. On December 14, I remembered that in 2006 I found out on this day that I was indeed having a miscarriage...in 2007 I was remembering the miscarriage without too much heartache because of the remarkable gift of Tobin and how healing that was for me and how wonderful it would be to meet him face-to-face very soon, etc...in 2008 I was smiling at God's sense of humor in turning my plans upside down and giving us another arrow in our quiver, before we even asked for it. I think, somewhere in my subconscious, late fall is tied up with all these emotional (both happy and sad emotions) events of the past three years; and I'm glad I realize this now so that I'll be better prepared if I deal with unpredictable emotions next fall as well. Who knows, maybe I won't be emotional at all come late November? Maybe I won't be pregnant and will therefore sail through cloudy, cool days with no diminishing of joy. I'll hope for that anyway. :)

All this talk about emotions reminds me of one of Jeff's comments when he saw the pregnancy test that was the first to clearly be positive. "Well, you're hormonally pregnant!" he said. Yes. Yes, I am. :) But one of the wonderful things about this being my fourth pregnancy (technically, my fifth, as my doctor dad pointed out after reading this, but my fourth to last this long) is that I have better perspective on even the hardest emotional times. When I'm feeling like the world is crashing down around my shoulders, I can tell myself that it's just a phase and things really will start looking brighter. When the occasional evening comes when I'm in collapse mode and don't feel like I can function for even five minutes longer, I can simply express that to Jeff, then go off and go to bed or do whatever, knowing that he'll step into the gap with the boys (and do a fine job of it, by the way) and I'll be refreshed in the morning.

Today I had my first regular appointment with a midwife and got to see Melody Mast who is so nice (aren't they all? I love those midwives!). Everything went very smoothly, except for the fact that I was having a very hard time staying awake as I waited in the examining room for her. I literally had to tell myself, "Davene, keep your eyes open!" because I knew if I let them drift shut, I would probably fall asleep and then fall off the examining table on which I was sitting. Wouldn't that have been a sight if I had fallen asleep, fallen over, and cut my head open, requiring stitches--all from a visit to the midwife. :) Fortunately, that didn't happen; and I finally hopped off the examining table, grabbed a magazine I had brought along (The Mennonite, by the way...no fluffy women's magazines for me today...actually, that might have been the problem; maybe I should have been reading fluff to keep myself entertained and awake!), and read that until she came in.

Since I was completely forthright with my weight last summer, I'll continue the trend and mention that I started this pregnancy at 150 pounds (higher than I would have liked, because I never did lose all of Tobin's baby weight...oh, well, there's always next year to lose weight!), weighed 155 pounds at my appointment on Dec. 10, and weighed 156 today. Ann, the sweet nurse educator, told me I could gain 50 pounds this pregnancy if I wanted to! I have no plans to do that, but it's nice to know that no one will yell at me if I do. :)

My blood pressure was 118 over 64 today, and everything looked and sounded fine. It actually took Melody a minute or two to find the baby's heartbeat (it was probably not even that long, but it felt long to me because I had been so eager to have some confirmation that all is well with the baby), but find it she did, and it was galloping along in the 160s.

The search for a baby name has begun, and it will probably be a long process, just like the last time. Of course, we have a girl's name picked; but a boy's name--well, that's a different story. In general, the trend seems to be that Jeff favors more normal names, and I favor more--well--abnormal names. Unusual names...unique names...there, that sounds better. :) I was so energized by the Harmonia Sacra sing last night that I stayed up way too late, hunting around on the Internet for name ideas to throw at Jeff. I did find some "unique" ones, most of which were promptly discarded by Jeff as soon as he woke up this morning and checked his email, only to find scads of emails that I had sent to him in the night with various names and their meanings. His response to most of them was very simple: a "no" written in the subject line. :) Only 28 more weeks until we have to have a name!!! :)

We have reached one decision, however, and it's a huge one for us. For the first time ever, we plan to not find out the gender of the baby before birth. I can hardly believe I'm saying this, and I'll probably be kicking myself until I'm black and blue on the day after our 20 week ultrasound when I realize that we could have found out! But here is why we've come to this decision. Jeff was actually the first one to suggest it; it happened to be the night of the Christmas parade downtown, and he had had several thoughtful conversations in the barber shop with people who shared their stories of how meaningful it was to be surprised on the day of birth and who encouraged him to consider not finding out. So Jeff mentioned that to me, not in a demanding way as if that was what we must do, but very casually. I mulled it over and after a few weeks realized that since this might be my last pregnancy (then again, it might not...who knows!), I might never get the chance again to experience the big moment of truth in the delivery room. As it stands now, I don't want to miss out on hearing that huge announcement as the baby is born: "IT'S A --" whatever it is, which will likely be "boy" in our case, but only God knows for sure. I want to experience that for myself; and since we wouldn't redecorate the nursery anyway and since I now realize that a newborn doesn't care what color clothes he/she wears and doesn't have to have a perfectly matched wardrobe so if, by some miracle, we have a girl, we'll have time after she's born to buy her the pink outfits she'll need, etc...since I don't feel a compulsion to do a ton of preparation for this baby, I don't feel the urgency to know what he/she is. I'm actually surprising myself by all of this! In the past, I have loved knowing what we were having; but this time around, I love the secretness, the hiddenness, the woven-in-my-womb-by-God's-hand-and-only-He-knows-this-child aspect of it all. And the final straw that pushed me to this decision was the thought that I might never get to experience this again; and since I already know what it feels like to have the foreknowledge of the gender, I want to see what it's like to do it the other way. As a bonus, Jeff told me that he talked with a labor & delivery nurse who said that a birth is much more fun for them as well when the gender isn't known. OK, well, now I'm convinced, because after all, we'd like to make labor fun for the nurses, right??? :)

For memory's sake, and since I'm almost through this first trimester, let me summarize a few things. The only bothersome symptoms I've had have been fatigue, emotional highs and lows, and a little nausea. The nausea tends to hit me more often in the evening than it does in the morning which is how things were with David's pregnancy. Jeff has a theory that "evening sickness" means the baby will be born at night. That held true with David, since he was born at 9:40 PM. We'll see if Jeff's theory stands up to the details of this little one's birth!

Not surprisingly, I began to feel uncomfortable in my regular clothes fairly quickly this time around. My poor uterus didn't have much time to regain her former shape, and the muscles hugging her are stretched and worn out. With Tobin's pregnancy, I didn't wear maternity clothes until 12 weeks. This time around, I started wearing a few maternity things between 10 and 11 weeks. I'm discovering that elastic-waist non-maternity pants, though not highly thought of in the world of fashion, are just the thing for easing me through this transitional time before I fill out maternity pants more fully. I have exactly one pair of this category of pants, but I'm wearing them today and reveling in the comfort.

These days, I'm amused by people's comments, as we're out and about, regarding our flock of boys. It's not at all uncommon for someone to remark on how full our hands are; and I smile to myself as I think, "If you only knew that I'm pregnant now, too, you'd really think we were nuts!" :) There are advantages to not really showing yet...and being forced by the cold weather to wear coats which cover any telltale bulges. However, I'm at the point of welcoming such comments because I want to have the opportunity to speak up and show the person I'm talking to--as well as showing my boys who are listening--how wonderful I think it is to have the sons that God has given to us! I think the commenter sometimes assumes a gripefest is coming--that I'll surely remark on how tired I must be and how noisy the boys are and how they drive me crazy sometimes. While all of that might be true (tired...noise...slight craziness), I will not focus on that and will not go along with society's impression that children are a burden. I will take every opportunity to affirm the incredible gift that children are and the fullness of joy that comes from having them in my life. I will let my children know that I treasure them and that I want the world to know it! I will not let them hear me complaining about how difficult they make my life. I will climb down off my soapbox now. :)

Another thing that makes me climb up onto my soapbox quicker than greased lightning is the insinuation I sometimes pick up on that we're doing the world a terrible disservice by having four--FOUR--gasp--children. The next person who says something about that to me will be forced to sit and watch the trailer of this movie (click on "Trailer & Clips" to view it). :) By the end of it, they'll be thanking me for having multiple children and contributing to the sustenance of our very civilization (not to mention our Social Security system which requires the young to pay into to support the old).

Speaking of family size, I had an interesting juxtaposition of conversations one day in December. In the first conversation, the friend with whom I was speaking was definitely happy for us about this pregnancy but seemed to assume, as a matter of course, that this would be our last child because, after all, it's number four. An hour or so later, I was talking with another friend who was also very happy for us about the news; she mentioned what a blessing children are and then said, "You can never have too many, can you?" Two opposite reactions from two wonderful women who both love the Lord and strive to follow Him but land on opposite sides of the fence on the number-of-children-to-have issue.

By the way, I am by no means telling anyone else how many children they should have. Not at all, so please don't misunderstand me! Rather than reinventing the wheel, I'll just link to two great recent posts on Christin's blog that deal with this issue: here and here.

Speaking of Christin, I still find it incredibly amusing that God gave us this pregnancy exactly when He did because Christin had made a comment to me very soon after I had Tobin. She had just found out that she was pregnant with her fourth, and she said, "Enjoy the next nine months with him, because by the time my baby is born, you'll be getting pregnant again!" I laughed along with her but secretly thought, "No way!" As it turned out, she was right, and I was so mistaken. :)

I've written before in this blog about how much I have loved being pregnant and how, when I would be in a season of not being pregnant and would see pregnant women, I would often wish that it was me and would long for my next pregnancy, etc. This time around, I had not yet hit that point of feeling the least bit of envy when I heard of other women getting pregnant. There are three examples that come to mind of families who got pregnant with their fourth before we found out about this pregnancy: Ben & Karen at church whose oldest is about the same age as Josiah (7 years old by the time the baby is born), Jet and Christin whose oldest was 6 when their fourth was born, and Chris and Misty whose oldest will be--hmm, not yet 5, I guess--when their fourth is born. With all of them, I thought, "Oh, I'm so happy for them, but I'm so glad I'm not in their shoes!" Think God was laughing every time I thought that? :)

Jumping back to family size... Jeff has really gotten a lot of comments--positive and not-so-positive--from people in the barber shop as he's shared the news with them. Many of the comments have revolved around the theme of "already?" "so soon?" "how old is Tobin?" Jeff sometimes gets to the point of not even trying to be nice and he'll say, "It used to be that people would say 'congratulations!' or 'I'm so happy for you!' when we announced a pregnancy, and now you just say 'already?'" What's up with that anyway??? :) Obviously some people have expressed a lot of joy for us, but it's also obvious to us that we've crossed a societal boundary of what's normal as far as family size. And this is only number four!

To sum up, I'm so grateful to have heard the heartbeat this morning and to have received an extra affirmation that all is well with our hidden one. I'm so grateful to be almost through the tumultuous first-trimester waters. And most of all, I'm so grateful for this little tiny baby in my womb. My tinook, I love you!

When I Die...

...my memorial service can be really simple. Just turn it into a Harmonia Sacra sing; and I'll be happy as a clam, be-bopping along in heaven in time to the music as the angels and I sing with those left here on earth.

Just make sure you sing "When I Can Read My Titles Clear," and get those basses to practice their part first, OK? It's a tricky one, a fact that was pointed out to me by two basses tonight after I dared to lead this song at the 107 year-old New Year hymn sing at our church. I did notice that there weren't too many strong voices that chimed in with me when I began it, but those Mennonites are such good singers that it wasn't long until they got it fine.

"Hosanna" would be another good one for the memorial service, and we must have "Homeward Bound." When you get to the last line and substitute "We're home at last" for "We're homeward bound," try not to be too envious when you think of how I'm already there!

And to close, nothing would be more fitting than "Dedication Anthem (Praise God From Whom)," otherwise known as the Mennonite National Anthem. You know that's a fitting piece for a memorial service because every time I hear it, I almost feel like I am in heaven.

If the music here on earth tonight was so gloriously moving, what will the music in heaven be like???