I didn't intend to go a few days this week without blogging, since blogging for me has become almost as natural as breathing and if I don't allow my thoughts to overflow into typed words, I sometimes feel a little "off." But I've been so tired, just SO TIRED. I keep thinking that since I'm almost to 14 weeks, my energy level should be bouncing back to normal soon. It actually has done that...here and there...once in a while...but always in an unpredictable way, usually departing when I'm right in the middle of a big plan to accomplish something major. And then--poof--there goes my energy, and suddenly I'm dropping on the couch and instantly falling asleep. So much for my big plans.This instantly-falling-asleep thing is strange for me. When things are normal (non-pregnant), it's not as if I have a difficult time going to sleep; but I'll usually lay there for at least five minutes or so, rolling over a few times, finding a comfortable spot like Jack the bulldog did in the Laura and Mary books. Now, however, I lie down, and I'm asleep. It's that simple--that quick. No matter what time of the day or night, it takes me no time at all to drift off to sleep. Now I know how Jeff feels all the time.
This, by the way, is the reason there is no week 12 photo. The only appropriate one for that week would have been me on the couch cuddled under a blanket fast asleep. No one was around to take that picture during my naps (Josiah can't reach the camera shelf yet); and it's just as well, because it wouldn't have been a very exciting shot.
Other than fatigue, here are my recent complaints--er, I mean opportunities for developing perseverance and maturity (thanks for the reminder, James). Evening sickness was one that I jotted down in my planner last week; since then, it hasn't bothered me so much. I mentioned in my last pregnancy update that the nausea tends to hit me in the evening--still true--but I'm hopeful that I've turned a corner with this one. In any case, it was never severe; and when I think about typical morning sickness, I always count my blessings because I know many women are afflicted so much more severely with this than I have ever been.
Here's a silly complaint: I'm cold so much of the time. The house can literally be 75 degrees in the living room, but walking into the kitchen and feeling the slight change of temperature as I leave the vicinity of the woodstove is enough to make me feel chilled. Down here in the library where our computer is, I feel like I'm in a freezer; and since heat rises and I haven't been able to figure out how to reverse that basic scientific fact, no matter how hot the other levels of the house are, this room will always be an icebox (although I do splurge and turn on the baseboard heater when I'm in this room). When I found out I was pregnant, I thought, "Well, at least this baby will keep me warm during this winter!" But apparently my dearly-loved internal heater hasn't gotten the message because the only way it seems to have affected my temperature is by occasionally making it zoom up and down quickly and unpredictably. I can't get through a day without donning a sweatshirt or fleece, which at some point gets discarded when I unexpectedly break out in a sweat, which then gets put on again a little while later. I don't know when this little guy (or girl, but probably guy) is going to flip the keep-Mommy-warm-all-the-time switch and really start doing his job! Probably in June. :)
The other complaint (last one for tonight, I promise) is that I still fight feelings of being overwhelmed sometimes. A week or so ago, I was reading through some of the blog posts from the days after Tobin's birth; and even though they are incredibly precious to me (because he, of course, is that way), the emotions (not always good ones) came swirling back to me. The ups and downs of the hormonal roller coaster, the effects of sleep deprivation, the struggle to learn how to balance the needs of three boys (and how, in the case of the older boys, to help them rise to the occasion and meet their own needs and their brothers' needs), the slightly crazy things I did back then to try to regain control at a time when I felt like all control was slipping away--all of that was suddenly vivid again. With having these two babies only 18 months apart, there hasn't been enough time for my memory to be washed clean of all the tough and demanding aspects of having a new little one in the house. As I sat and fed Tobin his breakfast a few days ago, I thought, "How in the world am I ever going to do this? What if The New Baby wakes and wants to nurse at the same time that Tobin needs to be fed? Tobin can't feed himself yet (finger foods, yes, but can he survive on finger foods?), and he's used to me feeding him his cereal and helping him hold his sippy cup of milk first thing in the morning when he gets up. I'll have to figure out how to nurse The New Baby while I'm leaning down to get Tobin's cereal out of the cupboard, reaching into the refrigerator for milk, screwing the lid on his cup, etc. OK, that might work; but what will I do if one of them poops???" My thoughts are always completely logical. :)
On to the good stuff. Am I ever ready for it!
My dear unselfish mother lent me a couple pairs of her elastic waist knit pants, and they have helped me through this transition stage of dressing. Plus, I finally decided to go thrift shopping for some larger non-maternity jeans; and I'm so glad I did. Not only can I wear them now without having to constantly yank the handy-dandy "stretch panel" of maternity pants back up, I know I'll also find them very useful in the postpartum time period. Well worth 3 or 4 dollars!
I have to make a note here that last Wednesday, January 7, we decided on a boy's name!!! After deliberating about names all the way to 30 weeks when I was pregnant with Tobin, it seems remarkable that this time, during my 12th week, we've already reached a decision! It will be even more remarkable if we stick with this name all the way to the end because Jeff is good at changing his mind. :) Of course, I'm not going to reveal the name here yet; but I can promise you this: it's a name you've never ever heard of. I'll also give you a hint: it was the name of the teddy bear I took with me to Israel in January 1996. That might be helpful only to one blog reader; and, Michelle, if you happen to read this and, for some strange reason, remember that name, keep it quiet, will ya? ;)
Three specific things have happened in the past few weeks to calm my anxieties and excite my heart even more as I contemplate this new life. First, I've had the thought a number of times, "I've always wanted four children!" And it's true, from early in our marriage when I bought a Christmas decoration with four bear children around their bear mom and dad, I knew that the ideal family included four kids. :) Even though this special fourth one was a surprise for us in the timing, it was anticipated and wanted years ago. So what if I didn't think my last two would be this close in age? I still always knew I wanted four. (To be honest, that number has occasionally been bumped upward as I've pondered the joys of having more children and have thought that five sounded like a good number. The number has even dropped a time or two, particularly a year or so ago, when I thought my trio of boys might be just enough. But overall, four is the number that I have long had in my mind for our family.)
Second, one evening recently as I drove with Tobin to Wal-Mart, I had a moment of peace and joy as I thought about what it will actually be like to hold this tiny baby in my arms right after the birth. My bonding with this little one took a healthy step forward as I reveled in the thought of that first meeting. In that instant, I could picture it clearly; and I felt such love surge through me...and excitement...and-- oh, I can hardly wait!
Third, Jeff was talking one evening and said, "This baby is a God child." He went on to talk about how we've been married for 11 and 1/2 years and even though we've had four previous pregnancies, none of those came at the drop of a hat, so to speak. Why is it that now, suddenly, we're blessed with this surprise pregnancy? Obviously, God's hand is in it. Obviously, God wasn't taken by surprise. Obviously, God has a plan and knows better than we what we need.
Obviously! I'm so thankful.
7 comments:
Ahh, Davene, managing two children 18 mo. apart is not THAT hard!! Hard, yes, but those hypothetical situations, well, as they come up, you figure them out. My anatomy (and I won't elaborate any further) is such that I have to sit down and use two hands to nurse a baby. And, if somebody else needed something, like Paul, he just had to wait. Or, I would get him set up at the table with some food, and then sit down to nurse the baby. Or, have the baby wait another 20 min. for the meal, or something. It works out. Stress, yes there is some of that, but really, no impossibilities. However, the real lifesaver was teaching Paul to obey verbal commands very well before our little Hannah was born. Without that, our lives would have been a hurricane!
Hang in there, sleepy lady!
By the way, you look great, not at all exhausted!
You look lovely, and your words also display an inner lovliness. So thoughtful and sincere -- it's such a treat to learn more about you. Funny that you're feeling cold, though, as I was so very hot through most of my pregnancy. Especially at the end, which was summertime, and really quite exhausting. And I had no other babies to look after! I often wonder how I'll manage with a second. But then of course there'll be a big gap, which makes things a bit simpler.
Oh, I was hoping to hear your boy's name! But I can understand why you keep it a secret...we are not really sharing our names either. Plus we might change our minds still! :)
Carrie
What a lovely pic Davene! I hope that you begin to regain more energy as you move further into T2.
I leave for Philly today! I'll miss seeing you and your family on Sundays. God bless!
Yes, a God child. And I love you taking us on this pregnancy journey of yours, tired and all. But mostly, sharing the thought of holding that newborn for the first time. There's nothing like it, is there?
haha! even if i had a decent memory (mine is far from it!) i doubt i would remember that name! so unfortunately for me, your secret is safe! ;)
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