17 Weeks...

Josiah was, once again, my photographer for this 17 weeks, 4 days picture. He already knows way more about photography than I ever learned as a child. :)
These are the golden days of pregnancy, it seems; I feel fairly good physically, have evened out emotionally, welcome the changing shape of my body, cherish the tiny kicks I feel every so often, and generally consider myself blessed beyond measure to be the carrier and nurturer of this little life. Even though it already feels like I've been pregnant "forever" and I can't even remember what life was like before that test came out positive, I still find myself occasionally surprised by the fact that I am indeed pregnant. Quite the contradiction, I know; but here's a specific example: whenever someone refers to me as, "Davene who is pregnant with her fourth child," I think for a second, "I am? Me? Pregnant with my fourth? Woah, that's sort of a large family. Is that really me they're talking about?" :)

Pregnancy, at this stage, still feels rather vague and abstract. I try to remember that there is a real live human being inside me. I literally lie in bed and imagine the arms and legs and face of my child. It's hard for me to do at this stage, however, so my mind jumps ahead to the actual birth and the almost shocking moment of "that's a BABY that just came out of me!" that I always experience. I think of how it might be when this baby is born, when I see its complete form for the first time, when I feel it in my arms and hold it just like a "real baby." My mind always puts Tobin's face into my thoughts though, and I guess I'm not skillful enough at abstract thinking to fully imagine a new baby being birthed from my body. Despite this, it is a joyful thing to pause and strive to connect with who this tiny one inside me really is!

This, of course, is one of the reasons I'm looking forward to my upcoming ultrasound (in two more weeks). I do anticipate that sense of connectedness growing as a result; but because we're choosing to not find out the gender, I think the big thing I'm looking forward to discovering during the ultrasound is where is my placenta??? The bleeding I had back in December could indicate that the placenta is in an undesirable location; and if so, that would change the way the rest of this pregnancy and even the delivery progress. On the other hand, the placenta could be doing just fine, in a completely harmless position. We'll know after the 25th!

Since last week's post and my soapbox ranting about healthy babies, I've thought quite a bit about what I wrote, what responses I received (comments here and in person), and especially Sally's words that she left in a comment. I think I'm getting my soapbox out again; beware!

Like Sally said, I too pray for perfect health for my children born and unborn. The thought of one of them being afflicted with a serious disease or disability pierces my heart with a pain that's unlike little else. But much more than I pray for physical health for myself and my family, I pray that each one of us will be continually transformed into the likeness of Jesus and that someday we will all be together in heaven with God and each other. May the circle be unbroken!

I trust God so much that I actually desire Him to do whatever it takes for those two goals to be achieved (and I know Sally does, too, so I am in no way pointing fingers at her or accusing her of faithlessness...far from it!). If God knows that having a handicapped little brother will be the key to unlock Tobin's heart and turn him to Jesus, then I welcome it. If God's plan includes one of our children becoming ill or even dying so that the hearts of people are turned to God and their final destination becomes heaven, then so be it! THAT is true health. THAT is true blessing. THAT is what I earnestly desire more than anything else.

I think I whip out my soapbox when I hear people defining "blessing" in such narrow terms--such worldly terms. Blessing=good health, a decent living, as many children as you desire, happiness, owning your own home, a life fairly free from hardship and suffering, etc. What is that??? In my opinion, simply an American "Christian" view of blessing, but not biblical. I know my thinking in this area is influenced heavily by Jesus's words in the Sermon on the Mount where He turns the thinking of His hearers completely upside down and shows that God's economy operates on values diametrically opposed to the world's. "Blessed are those who mourn..." Really? Blessed are Joel and Jessica as they mourn Cora's death? Do I want that kind of blessing? "Blessed are those who are persecuted..." Oh, yeah? Blessed is Sandul who is in prison in Pakistan for her faith in Christ? Are my hands open and my lips chanting, "Oh, yes, God, bless me in that way?" Those in the world will never understand what God views as important...and why He so often considers what we think so important to be meaningless.

I am very aware, of course, that so many times God does pour out upon us the blessings of health and prosperity and absence of war in our country and protection from natural disasters. He sends the rain in due season...He makes the crops in the fields grow until they're heavy with harvest...He forms perfectly healthy children in the womb and brings them forth at the appointed time. But those things cannot become the definition of "blessing," or we show ourselves to be very near-sighted as we continue to function solely in the mindset of the world.

Jeff, on his blog, just posted two incredibly moving videos of a man with no limbs (here and here). As I watched them, I couldn't help but think again of how the world would see something like that in the womb and not even think twice before choosing abortion. And yet, what beauty would have been lost! What an outstanding example of an overcomer would have never been shown to anyone! What glory to God would have never been revealed! What encouragement and inspiration to others struggling with various difficulties would never have been shared! What a tragedy--not that he has no limbs, but that the world would have considered him worthless, something to be tossed away in a pile of garbage.

As I continue through this pregnancy, my prayer is that, yes, God would grant health and fullness of body to our tiny one. But more than that--so much more than that--I pray that He would change us into His likeness. Do whatever it takes, Lord. Whatever it takes.