My Deepest Desire

One devotional that I have been reading on an (almost!) daily basis is Night Light for Parents by the Dobsons. It's good stuff--mostly very solid, basic stuff that doesn't rock my world with profound, new insights, but is always a good reminder and inspiration for me. But some reading that I did in it last night struck me in a much deeper way.

To give some background, my greatest fear in life (way bigger than my fear of snakes, dying, a loved one dying, or anything else) is that my children will choose to walk away from God and not make it to heaven. A daily prayer of mine is that we will all make it to heaven so we can be with God and each other forever. I know this prayer and this fervent desire of my heart is shared by so many other parents; I'm not original at all in this!

Sometimes I take this too far though, and almost feel paralyzed by it. The anxiety about the spiritual well-being of my children can be a crushing burden, making me over-critical (towards my children and myself), over-analytical, and most of all missing out on the joy of living each day as it comes, trusting God for the outcome of my children's lives.

The devotional I read last night started with a story by Gigi Graham Tchividjian about her prodigal son. This line in particular caught my attention: "I wasn't prepared for a prodigal. I never imagined I would one night lie in bed, wondering where my son was. But once you love, you are never free again, and the Lord caused this heartbreaking situation to teach me many things."

I do love...so I'm not free...I will always be bound by cords of love stronger than I can even fathom, tied inextricably to the well-being and destiny of my children, and the choices they make that affect their well-being and destiny.

In the past, I have at times prayed, "God, if You know that my children would grow up to not follow You, then please just close my womb and don't give me any, because I can't bear the pain of them walking away from You." But then I had kids, so my prayer changed to, "God, if You know that I, as a mother, would hinder my children's spiritual health, please let me die so that they can be raised by another who could help them more than I. God, do anything, just please let them make it to heaven."

These words from Dr. Dobson resonated within my soul: "Parenthood is one of the greatest blessings in life--yet it can also bring on the greatest anguish. Can anything compare to the pain of watching beloved daughters or sons walk away, turning their backs on the love, values, and faith you have so carefully nurtured over many years? Is there a higher torment than seeing your precious children suffer or needlessly abuse themselves? Far too many mothers and fathers wake up to this agonizing reality, and you have my utmost sympathy if you are facing this situation tonight. Nearly as distressing for many moms and dads is the fear that they will lose their children as we have just described. These parents are tortured daily by doubt and guilt. They ask themselves: Do I know what I'm doing? Am I turning my children into monsters? Have I doomed them to eternal damnation by the mistakes I've already made?"

I can relate to that!

Another thing that swirls through my mind is how I've seen so many other families "lose" one or more of their children, as the children choose to ignore their Godly upbringing and live a worldly life. I think of so many examples: 1 out of 3 children following God in one family I know, 2 out of 3 in another, 2 out of 4, 1 out of 4, etc. How many families do I know in which all the grown children are zealously pursuing their relationship with God as the most important thing in their life? Not many. But with my own children, I don't want a percentage of them to follow God. I'm not willing to sacrifice any of them to the devil. I want them ALL (present and future children) to be in heaven someday.

(As I'm typing this, the song, "Home Free" by Wayne Watson just came on...what a tear-jerker! I could cry simply from hearing this song...I could also cry simply from thinking about how much I love my children. The combination is too much!) :)

Of course, the conclusion I must come to is that 1) God loves my children even more than I do and is working even harder (and more effectively) than I to ensure that they choose Him, and 2) in the end, it it my children's choice, and I cannot make it for them.

More words from Dr. Dobson that comfort me: "The self-doubt that plagues so many parents today is largely a cultural phenomenon. If you are among these parents, we suggest you turn away from the world's whispers and focus on the comfort and truth that come from our heavenly Father, 'Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you.' (Psalm 55:22) You can no more be a perfect parent than you can be a perfect human being. Lean on the Lord to make up the difference--and don't let anxiety and guilt steal the joy of parenting."