The Next Step, Part Two

After I first wrote my thoughts about adoption a few weeks ago, I fully intended to quickly do a follow-up to that and cover some issues that were raised by those who commented on that post. However...you know how it goes...I got busy with other things and never got around to it.

But lots of thoughts have been circulating in my head, and I want to get them down on paper (well, a computer screen) while they're relatively fresh in my mind. These thoughts, of course, just cover the tip of the iceberg when it comes to adoption. So many times in the last few weeks (and previously), when adoption comes up, I've noticed that there seem to be a million different ways to look at it. "On the one hand, this..." but "on the other hand, that..." Over and over again, until the issues are thoroughly dissected. Well, I'm not going to do a thorough dissection today. :) But here is a little bit more of the iceberg...

First, to answer Christin's question, in the past I have always favored international adoption and Jeff has favored domestic. I suppose there are a number of reasons for that but, in brief, I was scared of the potential drama of the birth mother changing her mind about adoption so I favored the "clean break" of international...plus, I felt like international orphans were perhaps even more needy (as far as children in the foster system here in the U.S. still having decent nutrition, education, etc. and those in other countries maybe not having that). Jeff, on the other hand, has a brother-in-law who grew up as a foster child and was never adopted, so he knows first-hand the genuine need of domestic foster children for a forever family...plus, the cost of international adoption was a deterrent.

Ack, it's much more complicated than that, but that was part of our reasoning, I guess.

Anyway, when I felt this stronger urging that adoption was probably the next step, I was somewhat shocked to discover that I absolutely didn't care how the child got to us...international or domestic...young or old...male or female...it suddenly didn't matter as much. Because of our three sons, we had always talked about adopting a girl; and to be honest, I had preferred an infant girl. As my heart was stirred recently though, I became particularly open to the idea of adopting a boy (boys), even an older one (ones). Ones like Getamesay or Teferie. The only thing I still feel fairly certain about is that I don't think a child around the same age as Josiah would be good; that seems like a recipe for competition and tough adjustments for both of them as they tried to figure out the pecking order. (I know, I know...in a perfect world, there wouldn't be a pecking order...but in reality, there is.)

So, to make a long answer shorter, either domestic or international. :) It's still really up in the air!

Second, I was actually encouraged to read Sally's comment that she has no desire to adopt children. The reason that was encouraging? For so long, I've felt such a pull towards this; and Jeff and I have talked about it numerous times. But part of me always thought, "Well, EVERYBODY feels like they should adopt, so maybe this isn't proof of any special calling for us." And now I find out that not everybody wants to adopt! :) So maybe this softness in my heart towards the plight of orphans is truly something planted by God, a special calling in my life, for our family. Does that make sense?

Third, Morning brought up an excellent question about how fair is it really for first-world nations to take the healthy children from third-world nations--in essence, robbing that country of resources for their future. I have several thoughts in response to this. To begin with, if we adopted internationally, I would plan to foster as much connection of my child to his/her birth country as he/she desired; and I would hope to instill in that child a sense of purpose, excitement even, at the possibility of being taken out of that environment to be prepared to perhaps return to that environment better equipped to serve and make a difference. One thing I strive for with all my children is to prepare them to fulfill God's call on their life; and if that is in a different country, so be it. I'm sure my parents had their moments of being less-than-thrilled that Jeff and I decided to live and serve in Israel. :) But they were everlastingly supportive, and I hope to give my children that same level of support. If Josiah is born and (mostly) raised in the U.S. but decides to live in China, I stand behind him in that. If an adopted child is born in Bulgaria but (partially) raised here in the U.S. and then returns to Bulgaria (or to Ghana or to Mississippi or to wherever), that would be great...as long as that child fulfilled his/her calling. But I would certainly try to instill a sense of "for such a time as this" (from the book of Esther) in that child.

The next point I want to make is that there are numerous ways to support strong, healthy families and societies even in the poorest third-world countries...and Jeff and I do that. When we give a donation to Heifer International, our money goes to keep families together with better health and increased opportunities for their future. When we give a donation to Wycliffe, our money goes to reach people with the Word of God; and that strengthens families. Our goal is definitely the building up of families worldwide. Wouldn't it be great if someday there were no more orphans because families in all nations were so strong?

Of course, that's never going to happen, right? So there are orphans--either literal orphans with both parents deceased (or inaccessible, in the case of unknown fathers) or children who have been abandoned by their parents and other family members. What do you do with them? That's where, I believe, international adoption has to step in and make a difference for those children. And by the way, it's not always the "healthy" children that get adopted. Americans (and other first-world nations, too...I'm just saying Americans because that's what I am and know) have adopted so many children that were disabled in some way: developmentally, physically, etc. A family we know well recently adopted a girl from China who was on the special needs list, and it's been a tough road for them because of her lack of catching-up to where she "should" be. That friend told me about other friends of theirs who adopted a boy who needed fairly major surgery on his legs so that he could develop "normally." So it's not always just the "cream of the crop" that are adopted.

I do think the point Morning brought up for discussion though is worth considering: how do we help those countries to become stronger? For me though, when I think about adoption, it comes down to the simple fact of a boy or girl without a family, without the love and security of knowing that they have a mother and father who will not leave them...boys and girls who maybe cry themselves to sleep at night, waiting for the word that someone wants them. I know adoption is not easy; I know it raises numerous issues for the child who is adopted (and the families involved). But would it be better for that child who is now in an orphanage or who is now in foster care to never be adopted? Not at all.

For me, it comes down to this old story:

This story tells of a young man who was walking along the seashore. Far ahead of him, he saw a distant figure: someone who like him was walking, but who paused every few steps, stooped down, and seemed to be throwing something into the sea. His curiosity aroused, the young man hurried forward, his feet awkward in the sand, as he tried to catch up with the man.

As he came closer, he saw that it was an old man, and the reason that he would stop every step or two was to pick up a starfish and fling it into the ocean. It was only then that the young man noticed the thousands of starfish that littered the beach for miles, stranded there by the tide.

The young man felt a rising sense of anger. What the old man was doing seemed so pointless, and he couldn't wait to catch up to him to tell him so. By the time the young man came abreast of the older man, he was out of breath.

"Why are you doing this?" he gasped. "You can't save all of these starfish! It's useless! What does it matter?"

The old man paused for a moment, looking down at the crusty starfish he'd just picked up. He turned it over slowly, then answered. "It matters to this one," he said and with a slow, deliberate motion, he tossed it back into the sea, into life.

If God allows, I want to be the one to make a difference in the life of a child...because it matters to this one.