A Culture of Respect

This morning we enjoyed a good time of fellowship with our friends Bob and Cindy, and one of the bonuses of our time was the opportunity to get to know their daughter and her husband a little more. Cindy works in special education, and Maleasa (their daughter) works in an early intervention program to help young children with various delays...so both Cindy and Maleasa have seen a lot of kids and know a lot about kids, and I value their input immensely. Back when I was worried about David's lack of speech, I talked extensively with Cindy about how to help David, and Maleasa was kind enough to pass along some info for me as well about dealing with a late talker.

Today, toward the end of our time together, Maleasa commented on how respectful the boys are, particularly Josiah. For example, once when Josiah wanted to jump on a big pillow in another room of the house, he first came to Cindy and said, "Excuse me, Cindy, may I jump on that pillow?" Maleasa was impressed by that, and she commented that a lot of kids would have gone ahead and jumped on it without asking until someone told them to stop.

Anyway, that conversation got me thinking about respect and how to build that in children. Now let me be the first to admit that we have not got it all figured out. There are plenty of times when the boys are anything but respectful! (For example, Josiah needs to learn to WAIT when others are talking and he wants to say something.) So I'm not speaking from the position of expert; I'm simply a fellow mom on the path to instilling good values in her children. But there are a few things that we do, or don't do, that I think have created a culture of respect in our family.

1. We don't have a TV. Let me clarify by saying that I don't believe TV is inherently evil; I certainly don't think it's a sin to have one. In fact, there are occasionally times when I wish we had one so I could sit in front of it and be a mental vegetable for a while. :) But overall, wow, I am thrilled that we don't have a TV! I can't say enough how grateful I am that during most of my growing-up years, we didn't have one...and how grateful I am that Jeff is completely supportive of this in our family now. I am convinced that our battle against disrespect is made immeasurably easier by the fact that Josiah and David don't really have examples of disrespect. I know very little about modern cartoons or kids' TV programs, but what I do see appalls me at times (I know I sound terribly old-fashioned...but that's the lesser of two evils when it comes to protecting my kids from examples of disrespect). :) If Josiah doesn't see how a little cartoon guy talks back to his mom, he's not going to copy it...because it never even got into his brain.

2. We read books that have good old virtues in them, and we discuss those virtues. That's one great thing about Before Five in a Row, a reading guide that we use in Learning Time. It points out examples of good behavior in the stories we read, so for example, as we read Ask Mr. Bear, we discussed the politeness that the boy in the story as well as all the animals showed to each other. When we read Jesse Bear, What Will You Wear?, we talked about the family dynamics in the Bear family--loving, caring, obedient, happy, etc. Josiah sees those positive qualities being emphasized, and those are the examples he can wrap his mind around.

3. We try to create a respectful environment here at home, no matter how tense the environment may be. This is not to brag; but during all the years of our marriage (almost 10!), I can't ever remember a disagreement when we actually raised our voices and yelled at each other. I can't ever remember Jeff calling me a name, or me doing that to him. There have been certain boundaries that we refuse to cross even in heated moments. I definitely had good examples of this growing up, as I never saw my parents get into vicious arguments. It's perfectly normal to me to not fall into blatant forms of disrespect, even when I'm angry; and I am striving for that to be perfectly normal for Josiah as well. It seems so much better to not introduce the bad to him and then tell him to fight against it--much better to make the good seem natural. (I don't mean to, in any way, imply that we are perfect in this area. In fact, one of my major character issues during the past year or two has been patience, particularly with my children, but it also comes out with Jeff. This is an area that I constantly strive to improve in because I see how far from perfection I fall. So I don't want this to be misinterpreted to imply perfection--not at all--simply the foundation of boundaries of respect, even in the midst of disagreement.)

4. I feel like I'm continually reminding Josiah to say "please" or "thank you," etc. If I had a dollar for every time I've reminded him of manners and respect issues, I'd be a wealthy woman indeed! Sometimes I get tired--just plain old tired--of reminding him, and I want to let things drop. But I try to remember how important this foundation is and how much easier the rest of his life can be because of learning these lessons early. Now that David is beginning to talk, my reminders for him are getting going in full force. At this stage, it's still fun to remind him because he's just so cute when he says in his little voice, "Thank you!"

5. My grandma on my mother's side taught us the Penny Game which is a great reminder to be respectful that we use with Josiah. When we visited her as kids, she would get out a little bowl of pennies for each of us; and when we forgot to do something politely, she would take a penny out. Oh, how we hated to lose a penny simply because we forgot to say "please!" But it sure was fun to catch one of the adults making a mistake and then take a penny away from them!!! It was a fun, memorable way to practice manners and respect. With Josiah, we don't play it every day; but definitely when we see manners slipping, we revive it in a hurry. I start him with 10 pennies, then take one away for each mistake (could be something like simply forgetting to say "thanks" or could be a more serious disrespect issue)...but I also give him an extra one if I catch him doing something extra special--like playing especially nicely with David, or cheerfully offering to help me with something. All the "experts" say, "Catch them being good, and reward them for that, whether by verbal praise or other reward." So I try to use that to emphasize respectful behavior.

I feel like I can't express enough that I realize all of this--all the good that we do--is a gift from God; and it is His grace and power that helps us to achieve whatever good we accomplish. I have said it so many times, but it's still so true--nothing has ever driven me to rely on God like parenting has--nothing--ever! In this area of respect, we are certainly trying to create a family culture of respect; and that is a very conscious decision on our part. But we don't have it all figured out, and we are all (Jeff, Davene, Josiah, and David) sinners who fall short of the glory of God. I'm not saying this because I know it's the right thing to say but because I deeply believe it: the good that we accomplish in our family is because of God's abundant grace, and all glory goes to Him!