Throwing Caution to the Wind

I realize, of course, that our decision to announce my pregnancy at this very early stage means that there's a significant chance that a few days or weeks down the road, I may be writing a post called "Miscarriage--Take Two" or "It Happened Again" or simply "Tragedy." With my "history," I suppose most people would have thought it wise to wait to let the cat out of the bag. But after some discussion, Jeff and I made a conscious decision not to wait, based on the uncomplicated thinking that those who read this blog are most likely people who know us and care about us, and these are the people that we would want to know what is going on in our lives anyway, no matter what the road ahead holds for us. So at this stage of the game, thank you for rejoicing with us! If sorrow comes again, we are confident you'll mourn with us and offer comfort. And most importantly, in either case, your prayers are vitally important to us.

When I first got pregnant with Josiah, we made this same decision to announce it early; and we were warned that we might regret it later if I miscarried. At the time, I felt that it would be harder for me to go through a miscarriage without anyone knowing than to go through it openly, receiving support from others. I still feel that way today.

I'm sure it's no surprise that mixed in with my immense joy are also moments of anxiety. I find myself having thoughts like, "It will be fun to wear maternity clothes again...if I make it that far," or "It will be interesting having a winter baby...if the baby lives," or "I can hardly wait to hold my precious little baby!...if my body cooperates this time and keeps this pregnancy." There is the "oh, goody, I'm so happy" side, quickly followed by the "watch out, this may all come crashing down around your ears" side; and numerous times a day, this kind of dialogue plays out in my mind.

During my pregnancies with Josiah and David, of course I knew of the possibility of miscarriage; but it was a head knowledge. After my experience in December, it is now a heart knowledge; and I feel the pang of potential sorrow break into my moments of rejoicing.

However--and this is a big however--one of the things that I am most grateful for about my last pregnancy is that I cherished--and I mean, seriously cherished!--each day of that short-lived pregnancy. That is my goal for this pregnancy, too. To lay down my worries, to feel God's arms around me, to relax and let myself be happy, etc. is hugely important to me--and it's what I'm striving for.

Today, one thought that brightened my heart was this: "Davene, you only have one day to be 4 weeks and 5 days pregnant, so enjoy it while it's here!" I've found myself thinking during the past few days, "Oh, when I see the baby's heart beating on an ultrasound, then I'll be happy," or "When I can feel the baby move every day, I'll have peace," or "I don't think I'll truly relax until I hold my baby in my arms." But I don't want to wish away this time! This whole thought process reminded me so much of when Josiah was a newborn and how, during those difficult first days and nights of adjustment, I often told myself, "Josiah has only one 3rd day of life" or "Josiah has only one 11th day of life"; and that simple thought helped me to relax, focus on him, and have the strength to do what I needed to do to make THAT day a wonderful day for him, and not look ahead to "When he sleeps through the night, I'll be happy," or "I can hardly wait until he's potty trained!"

Taking life one day at a time...trusting God for the outcome...being free to rejoice and not feel that I'm tempting fate by doing that...sharing my heart in this situation with friends on the journey with us -- these are the goals for which I'm aiming!