Another One

Shortly after Tobin was born ("shortly," meaning within a few hours of his birth), Jeff asked me, "Are you ready for another one?" He was teasing, of course; but if he had been serious, my answer would have been a resounding, "No!" Even though my labor was better/shorter/easier than I had ever experienced before, better even than I could have imagined, that last half hour of agony was enough to make me more serious about adoption than I ever had been before! :) And even though my physical recovery went very smoothly, I've never been one to bounce up off the hospital bed and say, "I can't wait to do that again!" :) So, at that point in time, there was a serious sense for me of "Maybe three is enough," and "If we do add to the family, it won't be me birthing this baby!"

But...we brought Tobin home, and I continued to fall in love with him. As I held his curled-up little body, as I smelled his sweet breath, as I gazed at his form and wondered how he had ever fit inside me, as I cared for him in the deepest way one human can take care of another, I thought, "How could I not want this again???" How could I possibly think I was "done"? How could I never have the experience of holding a little tiny baby--my baby--and getting to know him--his every cry, his every expression, his every everything? How could I not want to go through this again?

But...wow...I'm realizing how much work it is to care for a little one--and more than that, to care for a big one and a medium one and a little one. Different stages, different abilities, different needs--but, oh, such needs! I think more than ever before, I'm realizing how challenging it is to parent multiple children--and keep the other plates in my life spinning at the same time.

This is ironic to me: before David's birth, I was pretty concerned about how we would all adjust to him. Life was in turmoil in a multitude of ways that year; and looking back, I realize that I thought it would be harder than it turned out to be to add another child to the rhythm of our family. This time around, I thought it would be easier than it feels at the moment (although, my goodness, does it ever feel easier than it did just a few weeks ago!). I thought, "Here we are in an environment that is familiar and comfortable for us. Here we are just up the hill from my parents. Here we are with a more developed support system than ever before. This can't be that hard!" Well...it has been hard, harder than I thought.

Don't get me wrong: I adore Tobin...I couldn't, for a minute, imagine life without him...I feel inexpressibly blessed by the gift of him in our family...I know God put him in our life at just the right time...I wouldn't change a thing!

But I do feel a new sense of soberness when I consider having more children. In the past, I've been the type to ALWAYS want to be pregnant. I think ever since we officially "started trying" 2 and 1/2 years into our marriage, there haven't been too many months that have gone by without me secretly--or not-so-secretly--wishing to be pregnant (when I wasn't pregnant already, of course, or nursing an infant). I love being pregnant! I love having children! I'm living the dream I've had since I was a girl--to be a wife and mother. So it would be like me to think, "Oh, I can hardly wait until we can have another one," and to envy every pregnant woman I know or see. I don't yet feel that way though. (Aren't you glad, my pregnant friends?) :)

At the same time, I don't have this sense of being finished (despite my thoughts in the hospital that three might be a good number!). I don't feel like our family is complete. I don't know what God has in store for us, but curiously I actually feel very patient about finding out--at least, at the moment. God can take His time; I don't need to know the future yet! And that's a new feeling for me. :)