Good Dad, Bad Mom Moments

Storytime at the Fisher household tonight...David, obviously, is an "active learner" so he preferred to do somersaults over the arm of the chair while listening to the story...meanwhile, Josiah held high his sword (made out of a stick and some duct tape) to defend the family...what wonderful boys! :)
Two days ago, I dropped by the barbershop to take a gift and some food for a shop potluck in honor of one of the girls who worked there but will soon be having a baby. While I was there, some of the other girls who work there and some of the customers who happened to be in the shop were admiring Tobin...and one of the customers asked me if Jeff was getting up during the night with him. I said, "Well, no...but he IS doing a great job of helping with our bigger boys--reading stories to them, getting them ready for bed, etc." The people who were listening laughed and teased Jeff about shirking his duty; but truthfully, Jeff is doing exactly what is most helpful for me, and I'm immensely grateful for that. Jeff has offered a number of times to get up and give Tobin a bottle of pumped milk in the night if I want him to do that; but really, I don't want that--at least, not yet. I actually feel a little selfish because I am treasuring these feeding times with Tobin and don't want to miss out on these special moments. Plus, even if Jeff feeds him, I still have to get up and pump so it's not like I could really sleep all night without interruption anyway. But I do appreciate Jeff offering to do that for me, and I may take him up on that one of these nights!

However, the most helpful thing that he can do for me now is to love and care for Josiah and David. Especially on days of caring for the 3 boys--days that sometimes stretch out and seem very long--I find it refreshing in the evenings to be able to sit down and focus on my baby, knowing that the older ones are well cared-for by their daddy--and they love the time with him!

This morning in the nursery at our church, I had an interesting conversation with a woman there (who happens to be the mother of 3 girls). It was the first time I had ever talked to her; but in the course of our conversation, she mentioned that, from her own experience and from what she has heard from the "experts," it is a "common" thing for a woman to (almost) shun her older children when a new baby comes along. It's as if the most protective part of her nature rises up to care for and nurture the littlest one. This woman today admitted that it had happened to her, and it definitely sounded familiar to me as I thought back to the first few weeks postpartum and how intensely I enjoyed my time with Tobin and how easy, in a sense, I found it to care for him...but how frustrated and impatient I became with Josiah's and David's demands on me.

It grieves me to admit this, but I even remember one time when I let a very negative comment about my older sons slip as I was talking with Jeff one hormonal night. Thank God, Josiah and David didn't hear it. As soon as I said it, I hated myself and wished with all my might that I could take back the words. And then, the huge burden of guilt crashed onto my shoulders and I thought, "What kind of a mother am I?!" During the roughest of those times, I had to consciously remind myself that both Josiah and David were, once upon a time, my cherished baby in whom the sun rose and set...and I still felt that same deep level of love and devotion for them as well as for Tobin.

Now that 5 weeks have passed since Tobin's birth, I really feel that the earth is beginning to level out again! :) And recently I haven't been feeling this overwhelming preference for Tobin like I did at first...because my joy in all my boys has been high. (Although, I do still get an almost giddy feeling sometimes when it's time to feed Tobin--even though breastfeeding is still somewhat painful--because I think, "Yay, I get to sit down and relax and do something productive and have an excuse to not get up every minute to pour milk for someone or look for a lost toy or whatever...")

But my point is this: I was so glad to hear from a fellow mother today that what I was experiencing was actually normal. So many times I find voices in my head saying, "I can't believe you did it. You're not good enough as a mom. You should be better than that. Nobody else would do that, etc." It is truly reassuring to know that I'm not alone and that these issues, although "common," can be overcome as I learn to juggle my role as mother to each of the treasured sons God has given me.

My other point is this: Jeff is an awesome dad, and I don't know what I would do without him. Even when he thinks he's not doing enough, he's actually helping me more than he'll ever know. His sons adore him, and I do, too.

* I almost didn't want to write this post because it's hard to admit what I perceive to be shameful feelings of favoritism (even though I'm basically past that stage). I also don't want Josiah and David to ever be hurt or offended by what they read in this blog. I want them to feel secure and confident in the steadfast, unchanging, deep nature of my love for them. However, I think that my love is evident over and over and over in the words of this blog, even though realistically I can't even express--in person or through writing--how much I love them and how highly I think of them and how I would do anything for them. And I thought that maybe, just maybe, another mom out there who is reading these words may have gone through a similar situation or may in the future--and maybe it will help her to know she is not alone.