The Inevitable Question

"So, are you hoping for a girl?"

I've been asked this question a few times. Maybe a few dozen times...maybe a few hundred...but who's counting? :)

I really don't mind being asked this over and over, so if anyone reading this has asked it, please don't feel bad. I'm happy to answer the question, because I think it's an interesting one and I have enjoyed pondering it within my own soul.

The only thing I dislike about being asked this question is that usually the person asking it isn't really looking for an hour-long discourse on the topic. So when someone asks me if I prefer a boy or a girl, I answer--simply, honestly--"Either." And then the person doing the asking usually says, "Healthy baby, right?" And I say, "Yes." But here's what I really think... :)

I LOVE having boys. Besides the fact that I am absolutely head-over-heels in-love with MY boys, I also just think that sons are one of life's greatest blessings! When I was pregnant with Josiah, I was thrilled to learn that he was a boy and was so excited to see my beloved husband with a son! When I was pregnant with David, I had a feeling he was a boy (mostly for the unscientific reason that at that time, we knew SO MANY couples who were having second children the same gender as the first...either two boys or two girls was all we seemed to hear about, so I naturally assumed that would be the case for us, too!) so I wasn't a bit surprised when the ultrasound tech announced the news. In many ways, him being a boy made life easier, even from the very beginning when we were able to take back to Israel with us a bunch of Josiah's baby clothes and use those for David. Now that my sons are older, I'm even more grateful that they are both boys as I see how they relate to each other. What a gift to have a brother! (I have to add that from my own experience with my brother David, my closest sibling in age to me, even though he was a boy and me a girl, we still did everything together...from playing football to climbing trees to playing house--well, he got to be the man of the house and go hunt bear for us to eat, but still, he DID play house with me!--and even crocheting. That's right. My big tall manly brother used to crochet. In fact, during evenings when my mother would read to us after supper, he and I would sit and crochet loooooonnnggg rows of chain stitch that would stretch all the way across the living room. We never actually made anything though, never finished a blanket, not even a baby blanket, not even a scarf, not even a potholder! But we had fun.) :)

Anyway, one of my tendencies is to think/worry about things far in the future, things that I have absolutely no control over at this point in time--pointless, I know, but I still do it. For example, before I even got pregnant this time, I would have these internal debates: what if we have another boy? should we then adopt so we could have a girl? or should we try once more for a biological girl? but what if I end up with four sons? would we still adopt a girl and thus end up with five children (more than I ever imagined myself having when I was younger!)? would I be content to only have sons? would I always feel like something was missing if I never had a daughter?

As I thought about all of this, I came to the realization that I think I would feel like something was missing if I never had a daughter. My own extremely close relationship with my mother has shown me how wonderful mother/daughter relationships can be, and I can't really imagine living life without ever experiencing that. Now I realize, of course, that just because I might have a daughter doesn't mean we'll have a great relationship--if only it were that simple! But I want to have a shot at it. And adoption is such a common thing in our family that I wouldn't hesitate at all to adopt; in fact, it's something that has been in my heart for a very long time, and it doesn't even seem like a "consolation prize" to me.

As a person, I tend to approach life on a fairly practical level, rather than a mystical one. But a few months back, before this pregnancy, I had a very distinct "flash of faith" one evening as I was walking into our guest room. I clearly felt a very strong impression that the room we use as a guest room would one day be our daughter's room. And at that moment, doubt left; and I was filled with a deep peace that somehow, someday, we would have a girl.

So here I am, pregnant again, and still in the position of not knowing whether this one is a he or a she. Several times, Josiah has asked me, "What do you think the baby is?" or "What do you really want?" I really don't have an answer for him. It seems so natural to think of the baby being a boy, but I don't have a strong "sixth sense" that it is. Those who know me and have ventured a guess about the gender of this baby have said "girl"--in a month or two we'll (hopefully) know how accurate their intuition was.* :)

When I first got pregnant, Josiah said he wanted a sister (he also said the same thing when I got pregnant with David, but look what happened that time :) ); but recently he has said several times that he would like another brother. When I asked him why, he said that boys are "rough" (his exact word) and that he liked that!

Really, what it all comes down to for me is that I firmly believe God is in control over whether we have another son or our first daughter. Despite all that humans try to do to pick a boy or a girl (and humans do some pretty crazy things!), God still controls it with a flick of His finger or a wisp of a thought. And more than anything, I trust His plan for our family.

When I got pregnant for the third time, we had actually been using a method of gender selection that had been recommended to us by a relative who had used it and "gotten exactly what she wanted." We decided to give it a whirl to try for a girl and ended up getting pregnant. A few weeks later, I had a miscarriage; and of course, we never knew whether that was a boy or a girl. That experience left such a bad taste in our mouths about the whole idea of gender selection; we just didn't feel right about how we had been trying to play God with all of it. (I'm not issuing a blanket condemnation of this or trying to put anyone down who may have used various "methods" for this, just sharing what our reaction was after our experience of loss.) We decided, "Never again." From now on, we'll let God give us what He wants and what He knows is best for us; and we will accept from His hand whatever He gives us--with great joy and thanksgiving!

After our loss, I can't imagine having an attitude of "I sure hope this is a girl; and if it's not, I'll be really disappointed." (I feel like I keep qualifying my statements in this post, but I do want to say that I'm not trying to condemn anyone who really does feel disappointment in any aspect of their baby. I think that can be part of human nature, and I think God works with us despite our disappointments--and usually overwhelms us with love for our babies, no matter our initial responses. If I'm stepping on anybody's toes with this, I apologize. I really am just trying to share my own's thoughts and feelings as I go through this experience. I know others process things in different ways, and that's fine!) More than ever, I realize that a baby--a real live baby that comes home with you--is a treasure, not something to ever be taken for granted. I pray I never do take it for granted.

And this brings me to another point. Everyone says they're hoping for a healthy baby; and of course, we are, too. But this is another area in which I find myself learning to trust God more and more. Really, if He knows that for some reason, a "non-healthy" baby is the best thing for our family, then I want that. Of course, I want my children to be healthy--happy--free from pain and suffering; but I also know that God sees the big picture, and what I really want is for God to work in the minds and souls and spirits and hearts and characters of everyone in my family to mold us all into His likeness. As hard as it is to admit this, if He knows that a "special needs" child is what it will take to accomplish that, then amen, so be it.

My perspective on "special needs" was forever altered by our time in Israel. Israeli medical culture places a very high importance on prenatal testing, probably because of some of the genetic diseases that are more prevalent in Jews. During my pregnancy in Israel, we resisted some of the prenatal testing; but we did have some of it, and I particularly remember an extremely thorough ultrasound we had around 20 weeks of pregnancy--done at that point in time because abortions were legal until 22 weeks (I think) and, in fact, the unspoken inference was that if there was a "problem" with the baby, an abortion would be strongly recommended. At the end, the doctor said, "I have checked everything except one ear which I couldn't check because of the baby's position, and I can guarantee that everything except that ear is perfect." I wanted to scream, "You know, even if this baby wasn't 'perfect,' we would still love him, care for him, and never ever ever choose to end his life!"

I firmly believe that society loses something very vital when it rids itself of those with special needs. The changes that occur in people as they deal with, care for, get along with, and even learn from those with various handicaps are highly valuable. Parents, siblings, extended family, even society in general can become much more sympathetic, patient, and generally kind when forced to cope with a special needs individual.

I can't say this strongly enough: I know it's not easy, and above all, I don't mean to belittle the hardships that families of special needs or terminally ill children face. I have never walked in those shoes, so all my insight comes from the view of an outsider. But please, don't put me in a society that has "eliminated" all the "imperfect" babies from the world.

To wrap this up, I think I need to climb down off my soapbox and trade it in for my bed! :) But here's the most important thing that I wish to empasize: I trust God's plan. Whether boy or girl, whether "healthy" or not, whether live birth or miscarriage, I trust His hand, His power, His love, and His strength to help me through whatever is coming. And that is sufficient for me.

* I do plan to have an ultrasound and, if possible, find out whether I get to pull out our much-loved baby boy clothes again or go a little bit crazy with the pink stuff! When I was pregnant with Josiah, I definitely wanted to find out what he was; and the same was true with David, mostly for practical reasons (so we could take Josiah's baby clothes back with us to Israel rather than having to buy a bunch of new stuff there). This time around, I was actually tempted to wait and not find out; but as soon as I discussed it with Jeff, he was quick to admit that he would like to find out beforehand. It didn't take him long to convince me, and now I can hardly wait!!! The bottom line for me is that it helps me to bond so much with the baby even before birth (I'm not at all implying that great bonding can't happen without that). I love knowing a little about my baby before he is born--calling him by name, imagining him more accurately, etc. But that's just what works for me! :)